Lolo: Apo halika nga, pwede bang buhatin mo ako?
Apo: Bakit po ‘lo? San ko po kayo dadalhin? Sa banyo po?
Lolo: Hindi..
Apo: Eh san ho?
Lolo: Ipatong mo ako sa lola mo… hehe.
Lolo naman..
Bahay Kubo (gay version)
Ready?… Sing!
Valer kuberch, kahit jutay
Ang julamantrax donchi ay anek-anek.
Nyongkamas at nutring, nyogarilyas at kipay
Nyitaw, nyotaw, jutani.
Kundol, jutola, jupot jolabastrax
At mega join-join pa, jobanox nyustasa.
Nyubuyax, nyomatis, nyowang at luyax.
The Best Policy
Bobo: Pare hulaan mo ugali ko, nagsisimula ng letter A
Pare: Approachable?
Bobo: mali
Pare: Amiable
Bobo: mali pa rin
Pare: o sige, sirit na nga
Bobo: Anest
Twins Birthday
Rodrigo: Bakit bad trip ka?
Harry: Nagtampo sa ‘kin ang utol ko.
Rodrigo: Bakit naman?
Harry: Nakalimutan ko kasi ang birthday niya.
Rodrigo: ‘Yun lang? Anong masama ru’n?
Harry: Ang masama ru’n… twins kami pare! Twins!
Dead Sea
Dodong: Magaling ang tatay ko! Alam mo, ‘yang Pacific Ocean , siya ang humukay nun!
Cocoy: Wala ‘yan sa tatay ko! Alam mo ‘yung Dead Sea ?
Dodong: Oo…
Cocoy: Siya ang pumatay nun!
Champoy
pedro: tay! yung titi ng kaklase ko parang champoy!
tatay: HAHAHA!! maliit ba anak?
pedro: hindi po..
tatay: eh ano?
pedro: maalat po..
69
GIRL: mag-69 tayo dear!
BOY: pano yun?
GIRL: ganito lang...
(pumwesto na sila at biglang nautot ang girl ng 4 times)
BOY: ayoko na!! DI KO NA KAYA YUNG NATITIRANG 65
Camel
Isang U.S. Major ang na-stationed sa isolated na Kampo sa Iraq. Kinabukasan, habang may ispection, napansin ng Major ang isang camel na nakatali sa likuran ng Barracks. Nagtanong siya sa Sergeant kung bakit may alagang camel sa Kampo.
SGT: Major, dito sa kampo, masyadong malayo ang bayan kaya't kung sinuman ang gustong makatikim ng ligaya, nandito naman ang camel.
Major: Bawal mag alaga ng hayop dito sa Kampo pero kung para sa 'morale' ng mga Troops, it's okey with me.
Makalipas ang anim na buwan, hindi na makatiis ang Major kaya't tinawag ang Sarhento.
Major: Dalhin mo dito sa tent ang camel. Walang nagawa ang Sarhento kaya't dinala ang camel sa loob ng tent. Makalipas ang 15 minutes, lumabas ang Major na nakangiti.
Major: Sergeant, ganito ba ang ginagawa ng mga Troops pag nalulungkot sila?
Sergeant: Hindi po Sir, sinasakyan nila ang camel papunta sa bayan para makahanap ng mga babae!
No ID No Entry
bakit ang sign na: NO ID ENTRY NO ENTRY na malimit natin nakikita sa mga school ay hindi tinitagalog?
Answer: Kasi pag tinagalog yan: WALA ID WALA PASOK....
Praying for 10 Pesos
Sa loob ng simbahan ng Quiapo, isang batang pulubi ang mataimtim na nanalangin sa Diyos.
Pulubi: "Panginoon kung maaari po sana ay bigyan ninyo ako ng sampung piso dahil gutom na gutom na lang po ako."
Narinig sya ng isang pulis na kasalukuyan ding nagsisimba at bumilib sya sa katatagan ng bata sa pananampalataya sa Diyos. Sa kanyang habag ay dumukot sya ng limang piso at iniabot sa bata na ang sabi: "Amang, narinig ng Diyos ang panalangin mo at heto tanggapin mo ang perang ito at ibili mo ng pagkain".
Tumingala ang bata sa pulis, kinuha nya ang limang pisong iniabot at muling yumuko para manalangin: "Panginoon, salamat po sa pagdinig ninyo sa aking panalangin, pero sana naman po sa uli-uli wag na ninyong pararaanin pa sa pulis, kasi malaki na ang bawas".
Beer and Make-up
Misis: Hoy, Tumigil ka na sa pag inom ng Beer, masyado kang magastos.
Mister: Ikaw, make-up mo ang magastos!
Mrs: Nagpapaganda ako para sa iyo.
Mister: Ako umiinom naman para gumanda ka!
Losing Weight
Pedro: Pare, sobrang taba talaga ng Misis ko kaya't gusto niyang magbawas ng timbang!
Pablo: Sabihin mo sa Misis na mag Horseback riding siya.
Makaraan ang dalawang buwan....
Pedro: Kumusta naman ang resulta ng Horseback Riding !
Pablo: Nabawasan ng 40 Kilos ang kabayo!!
Mahjong Flower
Sakristan: Father, may libangan din ba ang mga Pari?
Pari: Oo, naman, pag dating ng hapon, kaming mga pari dito sa bayan ay naglalaro ng Mahjong.
Sakristan: Bakit po naman Mahjong pa ang napili niyong laro?
Pari: Kasi, dito lang kami nakakasalat ng flower, Iho!
Ifugao Soldier
Ifugao: Sir, mag-aaply po ako bilang sundalo
Sir: hindi ka pwede, ang dami mong sira na ngipin at bungi ka pa!!!
Ifugao: bakit po ba ang labanan ngayon kagatan na ba?
Jeepney Fare
Sa Isang Jeep...
Pasahero: Mama, Magkano Po Yung Pasahe?
Driver: 7.50 Yung Minimum
Pasahero: (Dumukot Ito Sa Bulsa Para Kunin Yung Pera Niya, Ngunit sa Di Sinasadyang Dahilan Kulang Yung Pamasahe Niya.) Patay, Kulang Yung Pera Ko. Paano Kaya Ito? (Nag Isip Ito At Lumingon Sa Driver. Napansin Niya Na Duling Ito. Sabi Niya Sa Kanyang Sarili, Tama Duling Yung Driver Sigurado Pag Nagbigay Ako Ng 3.75 di Niya Mapapansin Na Kulang Yung Pera Ko. Kasi Doble Yung Paningin Nito. Inabot Niya Sa Driver Yung Pera.
Ngunit Laking Gulat Niya Nung May Sinabi Yung Driver Sa Kanya.
Driver: Kulang Ito!
Pasahero: Anong Kulang? Di Ba Sabi Mo 7.50 Yung Minimum?
Driver: Oo Nga 7.50 eh Dalawa Kaya Kayo.
Patay! Akala Mo Lusot Kana ha?
Manny Pacquiao's Vocabulary
INRITS YUR BOCABOLARY
by Manny Pacquiao
TACTICS - tunog ng orasan
PAYT - laban para sa mga pinoy
TAYTOL - pamagat ng laban
JENGKEH - name ng dyowa nya
NO PEER - sponsor nya’
MOTOR KID - pag ikot nya sa manila
CHECK IN - manok sa McDo
CORRUPT - pagsara ng mata
MURA LESS - nakalaban nya
WIT - timbang
WAWAWE - noon time show
DUET - gawin mo
L.A. - Leto Atsensya
QUOTES - tawag nya kay Freddie Roach
Lolo's US Visa Application
THIS IS A GOOD ONE AND I AM SURE YOU'LL LOVE IT.
A 70 year old 'lolo' from the province was accompanied by his grandson
to the US Embassy in Manila for his VISA interview. The lolo spoke not
a word of English so the grandson translated for him.
The consul told the young man to ask his grandfather why he wanted to
go to the States. "Bakit daw ho ninyo gustong pumunta sa Amerika?" the
grandson translated. "Sabihin mo gusto kong makita yung mga anak ko
doon." "He said he wants to see his children there." Fair enough,
that's what the lolo's application indicated.
The consul had another question. "Ask him, why does he have to go
there? Why can't his children just come and visit him here?" The
grandson translated this in Tagalog. Lolo replied: Sabihin mo kasi dito
pinanganak yung mga anak ko. Nakita na nila ang Pilipinas. Gusto ko namang makita ang Amerika bago ako mamatay." Translation: "Tell him, my children were born here. They have seen the Philippines already. I just want to see America before I die."
The heartless consul was unimpressed as he declared, devoid of any
emotion, that he was rejecting the visa application because the applicant
was unable to speak a word of English. "Reject daw yung visa ninyo
kasi hindi daw kayo marunong mag-Ingles." The lolo was equally unimpressed. "Sabihin mo ito sa kanya at huwag mong papalitan ang sasabihin ko. Putang ina niya, bakit siya nandidito eh hindi naman siya marunong mag-Tagalog." Translated: "He said: you son of a bitch, how come you are here... you do not know how to speak in Tagalog."
Taken aback, sense of humor still intact, the consul relented and
approved lolo's visa application pronto.
Nothing Beats The Philippines
Sa paastigan, walang tatalo sa Pilipinas!!
Sa Malaysia:
Sa China:
Sa Germany:
Sa Indonesia:
Sa Italy:
Sa Korea:
AT NGAYON...
Sa Pilipinas:
O ANO MAY LALABAN PA BA?
Welcome!
Welcome to Pinoy Text Jokes! We bring you a collection of all the funniest Pinoy Jokes, Text Jokes, Funny Filipino Tagalog SMS Text Quotes, Funny Pinoy pictures and videos on the web! Laughter is the best medicine, so make someone laugh today and send them a PINOY JOKE thru txt or email! Enjoy surfing!
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