ERAP'S CABINET MEMBERS:
Lolit Solis - Defense (Wala ng tataray pa)
Dolphy - Labor (Sanay sa buntisan)
Rosanna Roces - Natural Resources (Alam mo na...)
German Moreno - Local Government (Sanay mag organize- Monday Group,Tuesday Group...etc..)
Ogie Alcasid - Foreign Affairs (proven!)
Inday Badiday - Information (sino pa ba... eh patay na si Babette Villaruel?)
Robin Padilla - Sports (Sanay sa rambulan)
Ben Tisoy - Agriculture (mukhang lupa)
Pitoy Moreno - Interior (Design)
Fernando Poe - Chief of Staff (syempre! may kakasa ba?)
Vic Sotto - PhilVolcs (sanay magpaputok)
Ramon Revilla - Transportation (para malipat na ang traffic sa Cavite)
Palito - Health (para huwag pamarisan)
Jimmy Santos - Education (magaling sa inglesan)
Leo Martinez - secretary of Tourism (for more pedophiles)
Nora Aunor - Secretary of Finance (broke kasi)
Gary Lising - Press Secretary
Erap Estrada (yes, sya na rin) - BIR (yan ang spelling nya ng beer)
Christy Fermin - NBI (magaling mag-imbestiga)
Erap's Cabinet Members
Cheese Curls
Anak: Tay! Pengeng pera. Bili lang akong chucherya.
Tatay: Umayos ka nga! Kakahiya ka! Baka may makarinig. Hindi chucherya tawag dun.
Anak: Ano po?
Tatay: Chizkar!
Smart Kid
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"The principal and Harry both agree.
Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry, after a moment "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Harry: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy,oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut"
Ms. Brooks:"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,Harry was taking charge.
Harry: "Bubblegum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting downand a dog do on three legs?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Shake hands"
Ms. Brooks: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yep."
Ms. Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."
Harry: "Tent"
Ms. Brooks: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.The best man always has me first." The Principal was looking restlessand a bit tense.
Harry: "Wedding Ring"
Ms. Brooks: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip.When you blow me, you feel good."
Harry: "Nose"
Ms. Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Harry: "Arrow"
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' andends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief andtold the teacher,"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."
Blue Job!
Sa isang Ms Gay Contest:
HOST: What is your favorite color and why?
GAY1: Red for courage.
GAY2: White for Purity.
GAY3: Blue for... ah.. uhmm..
... BLUEJOB!
Interview With An Arab
Arab interview at US immigration:
Q: ur name pls..
A: abdul aziz
Q: sex?
A: twice a wik..
Q: i mean male or female?
A: doesn't matter.... sometimes even with camel...
Bicol
Bicol
A Filipino guy from Bicol tries very hard to come to Canada. In doing so he spent all his money and sold all his valuables so after he gets out of the Canadian airport he takes the bus to go stay at his relatives' house. He thinks to himself, "Galit na galit ako parang gusto kong pumatay." So he takes a out his knife and flashes it at some white guy standing there on the bus,
The white guy then says, " Yo ! BE COOL man be cool!"
Then the Filipino guy says, "Oh Pasalamat ka, taga Bicol ka kundi pinatay na kita!!"
Sirena Son
May anak na bakla si sargento Juan. Galit na galit ang ama dahil nasisira ang reputasyon nya.
AMA: (Inilubog ang ulo sa drum ng tubig) Babae ka ba o lalake!
ANAK: (Pag-ahon) Babaeeeee!
AMA: (Galit na galit- inilubog ulit ang ulo ) Babae ka ba o lalake!
ANAK: (Pag-ahon) Babaeeeee!
AMA: (Galit na galit- inilubog ulit ang ulo ng mas matagal) Babae ka ba o lalake!
ANAK: (Nakalulon ng tubig) SIRENAAA!
2 Funny Letters (Heart Ispokening)
The following is a letter found at a certain bar in
Manila and has been preserved in its original,unedited form.
Enjoy reading and you may try direct translation in Tagalog.
Pls read with feelings…
_____________________________________
To Marjie,
I am not surprise or wander why Dennis leave you. Why? What reason you can think about but you’re very fat body. I thought before that Dennis only use me to his toy but sooner and later I’m realize that he really can’t not beared or stomached to be with you anymore because at first, Dennis say he could not stand you’re habit of making pakialam all his walks [lakad] and always calling to their house what he go home or this or that.
And then he say he get ashame to met iether in school or in his family and then asking you to exercise you’re very very, very fat body. But you hate it. Thoughth your the most preetiest girls he knows about. What do you think you are “Beautiful Girl” of Jose Marie Chan?
Even you are beautiful face (to your think) you do not have the right to called me whatsoever or else different name one time or the other for the real purposed to insults my personality because I’m never call you names ether in the front of Dennis or in the backs of Dennis, but if you start already to calling me different name, I don’t have any other choice but to call you other different name to. Like you are a PIG, FAT, OBESSED, OVERWIGHT, AND UGLY SHAPE girl. Shame to you’re body that is to a BUDING.
You can’t not blame Dennis for exchanging you to me because I am the more sexier than you when you look to us in the mirror.
I’m repeat again that you are like Ike Lozada when she is a girl.
Love,
The Sexiest Girl of D.M.
P.S. You say that I’m the bad breathe but who is Dennis want to kissed. Me or you? You or me? And the final is me. There you go.
Heart ispokening
Thursday, August 9th, 2007
We’ ve been friends for a long time ago. We come from the same alma mother. Actually, our paths crossed one time on another. But it’s only now that I gave him a second look. I realized that beauty is in the eyes. The pulpbits of my heart went fast, really fast. Cute pala siya. And then, he came over with me. He said, “I hope you don’t mine. Can I get your number?” Nag-worry ako. What if he doesn’t give it back? He explained naman na it’s so we could keep intact daw. Sabi ko, connect me if i’m wrong but are you asking me ouch? Nabigla siya. Sagot niya, The! Aba! Parang siya pa ang galit! Persona ingrata!!! Ang kapal niya! I cried buckles of tears.
Na-guilty yata siya. Sabi niya, isipin mo na lang na this is a blessing in the sky. Irregardless daw of his feelings, we’ll go ouch na rin. Now, we’re so in love. Mute and epidemic na ang past. Thanks God we swallowed our fried. Kasi, I’m 33 na and I’m running our time. After 2 weeks, he plopped the question. “Will you marriage me?” I’m in a state of shocked. Kasi mantakin mo, when it rains, it’s four! This is true good to be true. So siyempre, I said yes. Love is a many splendor.
Pero nung inaayos ko na ang aming kasal, everything swell to pieces. Nag-di-dinner kami noon nang biglang sa harap ng aming table, may babaeng humirit ng, “Well, well, well. Look do we hav e here.” What the fuss! The nerd ng babaeng yon! She said they were still on. So I told her, whatever is that, cut me some slacks! I didn’t want this to get our hand kaya I had to sip it in the bud. She accused me of steeling her boyfriend. Ats if! I don’t want to portrait the role of the other woman. Gosh, tell me to the marines! I told her, “please, mine you own business!” Who would believe her anyway?
Dahil it’s not my problem anymore but her problem anymore, tumigil na rin siya ng panggugulo. Everything is coming up daisies. I’m so happy. Even my boyfriend said liketwice. He’s so supportive. Sabi niya, “Look at is this way. She’s our of our lives.”
Kaya advise ko sa inyo - take the risk. You can never can tell. Just burn the bridge when you get there. Life is shorts. If you make a mistake, we’ll just pray for the internal and external repose of your soul. I second emotion.
Famous Quotes By Melanie Marquez
1. I coudn’t care a damn!
2. What’s your next class before this?
3. Can you repeat that for the 2nd time around once more?
4. Hello, my brother joey is out of town, would you like to wait?
5. Don’t touch me not!
6. You! you’re not a boy anymore! You’re a man anymore!
7. Hello? For a while. Please hang yourself.
8. We are lovers. Not fighters
9. Don’t judge me! I’m not a book!
10. Why should I have a calling card? I’m not a call girl!
Alimasag!
Nakaamoy si Ngongo ng pabango sa isang store.
Sabi ni Ngongo, “Ale, mango!”
Sabi naman ng saleslady, “Pabango ‘yan, hindi alimango!”
Ulit ni Ngongo, “Ale, mango!”
Nag-agawan si Ngongo at ang saleslady sa pabango. Nahulog ang pabango at nabasag.
Sabi ni Ngongo, “Ale, masag!”
Boy Bastos Story
bago pa man nabuo si boy…
Sperm 1: Pare, maghanda na tayo! Malapit na tayong lumabas!
Sperm 2: Oo nga pare. 1, 2! 1, 2!
Sperm 1: Ayan na pare lalabas na tayo! SUGOOOOOOOD!…
Sperm 2: BALIK!!! TAE! TAE! TAE!
sumunod na oras….
Sperm 1: Pare, maghanda na tayo! Malapit na uli tayong lumabas!
Sperm 2: Oo nga pare. 1, 2! 1, 2!
Sperm 1: Ayan na pare lalabas na tayo! SUGOOOOOOOD!…
Sperm 2: BALIK!!!! TONSIL! TONSIL! TONSIL!
at sa sumunod pa…
Sperm 1: Pare, maghanda na tayo! Malapit na uli tayong lumabas!
Sperm 2: Oo nga pare. 1, 2! 1, 2!
Sperm 1: Ayan na pare lalabas na tayo! SUGOOOOOOOD!
*splat!* condom…
Fine Arts Shift
ANAK: Dad may sasabihin ako… ‘wag ka sanang magalit…
TATAY: May problema ba anak?
ANAK: Magshishift nalang ako sa Fine Arts Dad, sana maintindihan mo
TATAY: Leche ka tapusin mo muna Elementary! Ambisyoso!
Fear Bruno
Bruno: Pedro! ano yang hawak mo?
Pedro: (pagalit) Listahan ng mga taong takot sa akin!
Bruno: Patingin nga!
pagkabasa…
Bruno: O?! Baket nandidito ang pangalan ko?!
Pedro: Baket?! Lalaban ka ba?
Bruno: OO!
Pedro: eh di burahin, problema ba yun?
Sexy Film Titles
“Ang Kati ng Higad Mo!”
“Bubudburan Ko ng Niyog ang Mainit Mong Pichi-Pichi!”
“Kapag Gumabi, Bumubuka ang Kabibi!”
“Huwag Mong Ibabad, Isawsaw Mo Lang!”
“Napagod ang Bunganga sa Laki ng Tilapia!”
“Pasalat ng Peklat!”
“Huwag Mo Kamayin Please, Baka Mapanis!”
“Paltos na nung Hinugot!”
Gay Lingo
Imagine if all straight guys are talking in gay lingo…
Stud: Shuket di mo chinuva yung girlalu? Malaki naman ang juging ng lola mo ah?
Hunk: Bet nga dude sa juging o dedelyas ever, melanie marquez naman sa brainwaves, wis na…
Jaworski (while coaching): Ok pudlaterz, kiver sa kalaban, just focus, wis natin afford na ma-out sa banga. O ikiws, ishoot metz yung last free throw anetz.. Ok getsungin ang gold to the highest level mga churva!
Officemates
isang gabi, lalake umuwi, lasing na lasing…
ASAWA: Lasing ka na naman! Lagi ka nalang umuuwi ng lasing!
LALAKE: Honey naman… Di ako lasing noh! naghappy-happy lang kami ng mga officemates ko…
ASAWA: Tarantado ka anong officemates na pinagsasabi mo eh wala ka naman trabahong hayop ka!! ambisyosong lasenggo!
Top One
Boy: Nay! Muntik na ako maging top one sa klase!
Nanay: Bat mo naman nasabi?
Boy: Ini-announce kasi kanina ung top 1 sa klase. Ang tinuro ni ma’am ung katabi ko. Muntik na ako.
No Assignment
Jun-jun: Inay! Ako lang ang nakasagot sa tanong ng titser namin kanina!
Inay: Very good! Ano ba ang tanong ng titser ninyo?
Jun-jun: “Sino ang walang assignment?”
Soup For Lolo
apo: Halina kayo Lolo at humigop po kayo ng mainit na sabaw. Bagong luto po itong sopas, niluto ko po ito para sa inyo. Mainam po ito para sa inyong kalusugan Lolo, Halina habang mainit pa…
Lolo: FUCK OFF!!!!
