Erap went to France to watch the world cup. He was toured around by a French official. "Mr. President, this is Joan of Arc. Do you know her?"
Erap: Of course. She's Noah's wife.
Erap Joke - Joan of Arc
Shrek
Juan: Pare may ka-eyeball ako mamayang chick! Sabi nya ang kamukha daw nyang artista nagsisimula sa SH ang pangalan!
Pedro: Wow pare! Magaganda ang mga nag-uumpisa sa SH! Shaina, Sharon, Shakira! Wow! Swerte mo pare!
*Matapos ang eyeball*
Pedro: O pare, sinong kamukha?!
Juan: Si SHrek.
Text Message
Pari: Mga kapatid, kasalanan natin ang gumagamit ng cellphone habang nagmimisa. We must not disturb others in prayer.
*nag-ring ang cellphone ni Father!*
Pari: Teka lang mga kapatid, may message si Lord.
Medical Check Up
isang araw, nagpacheck up si lolo ...
DOC: Lolo, I need your urine, stool, and semen sample.
LOLO: Ano daw sabi?
LOLA: Ibigay mo na lang brief mo, nandun na lahat yun!
Viagra
Biology Time
q. What do you call the stage of a woman when she
stops her periods?
A: MENOPAUSE.
Q: How about when a man starts to use VIAGRA?
A: KINAPAUSE!
Driver and Passenger
Jeep Passenger: Manong, bayad ko oh..
Driver: San galing?
Jeep Passenger: Sa ‘akin malamang!
Driver: Papunta saan?
Jeep Passenger: Sa’yo TANGA!
Kulangot
Girl nangungulangot sa jeep..
Tinanong ng matandang babae..
LOLA: ineng, anong kinukuha mo?
GIRL: nursing po..
LOLA: ah...kala ko kulangot..
Song Title
me isang ngongo (iyong may bingas sa bibig) na mahilig kumanta
sa pagkanta niya nagdedicate siya para sa mga pusong wasak
at eto ang sinabi niya.
''ang awinh nah inoh ay mara sa mga ngusong wasak''
Pinoy Pick Up Lines Part 2
1.'miss troso ka ba???
ang sarap mo kasing sibakin eh...'
2. miss, alam mo bang
hindi tayo tao
hindi tayo hayop
at hindi tayo halaman.
bagay tayo, bagay.
3. miss, palay ka ba?
baka pwede kasi kitang bayuhin!
4. sa nililigawan mong babae.. sa bday niya bigyan mo siya ng boteng walang laman, syempre magtataka yun diba..... Hun bakit mo ko binigyan ng boteng walang laman? sabihin mo...... kasi ganyan ang buhay ko pag wala ka.
5. miss may pambura ka ba???? kasi hindi kita mabura sa isipan ko.
6. pag nasa sinehan kayo ng syota mo.....
pag nanonood kayo lagi mong tignan ang mukha niya... syempre magtataka yun.....tapos maya maya magtatanong yun.... bakit ka nakatingin saken???
sabihin mo....
kasi mas maganda ka pa sa pinapanood eh.
7. miss, keyboard ka ba?
kasi type kita.
8. miss alam mo para kang pustiso??
kasi can't smile without you.
9. Boy: Lecture mo ba ako?
Girl: Bakit mo nasabi?
Boy: Lab kasi kita eh.
Subterrenean
Scene: 1996 Miss Universe pageant in Las Vegas. Host Bob Barker introducing the candidates.
Bob: Please welcome, Miss Canada!
Galing sa isang kasuluksulukan ng auditorium, a voice screams "Subterranean!"
Bob: Please welcome, Miss France!
Voice: Subterranean!
Bob: Please welcome, Miss Italy!
Voice: Subterranean!
Bob: Now, please welcome, Miss Papua New Guinea!
- Silence -
Bob: Please welcome, Miss USA!
Voice: Suuuub-teeerranean! Yah-hoo!!!
Bob: Please welcome, Miss Zaire!
- Silence -
During intermission, Bob was really curious why the voice was shouting "subterranean", so he dispatched a guard to fetch the fellow and bring him backstage. They picked up the guy who turns out to be a Filipino (from a remote barrio) who didn't speak English. So they got an interpreter to ask the Pinoy why he was shouting "Subterranean". Bob asked... "Did you mean Mediterranean? Or Carribean? And why do I seem to keep on hearing Subterranean?"
Sabi ng Pinoy: "Wala akong sinasabing "subterranean". Ang sabi ko, SARAP TIRAHIN NIYAN!"
Porch
Matagal nang naghahanap ng trabaho yung bagong saltang Pinoy. Nakakita siya ng posibilidad sa "Help Wanted" section ng Classified Ads. "Wanted - Painter of Porch". Aba!, sabi nung Pinoy sa sarili... OK ito! Sa Pilipinas, e marami na akong pininta; yung libingan ng lolo ko, yung pader ng lumang bahay namin, yung kulungan ng mga baboy ng tiyo ko - pwede palagay ko ako rito!
In-explain nung Kano na nangangailangan ng pintor: "I need to have my porch painted, all in one day. The work involves scraping all the paint up to the bare surface, applying a coat of primer and two final coats of orange paint. Can you do this?"
Sagot nung Pinoy nung ininterbyu siya ng Kano... "Sir, yes sir. I can kaskas... I mean, remoob paint en apply paint beri well."
"Okay!", sabi nung Kano. "You've got the job! Everything you'll need has been unloaded from the trunk of the car."
Tatlong oras pa lang, narining na nung Kano na kumakatok yung Pinoy sa pinto niya. "Sir... Pinis oreydi".
"Wow!" sabi nung Kano. "You finished the job in three hours. Are you sure you scraped the old paint to the bare surface?"
"Sir, yes sir. I tanggalated all the old paint." sagot nung Pinoy.
"Then, you deserve a bonus! Here's another 20 bucks." sabi nung Kano.
"Sir, tenkyu sir." wika nung Pinoy. "Pero sir, you don't heb a porch... your car is a BMW..."
Telephone Operator
agong salta sa America, yung Pinoy ay gustong mag-long distance sa Pilipinas kaya dinayal yung "0 for Operator".
Operator: AT&T. How may I help you?
Pinoy: Heyloow. Ay wud like to long distans da Pilipins, plis.
Operator: Name of the party you're calling?
Pinoy: Aybegyurpardon? Can you repit agen plis?
Operator: What is the name of the person you are calling?
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu and sori. Da name of my calling is Elpidio Abanquel. Sori and tenkyu.
Operator: Please spell out the name of the person you're calling phonetically.
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. What is foneticali?
Operator: Please spell out the letters comprising the name a letter at a time and citing a word for each letter.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Da name of Elpidio Abanquel is Elpidio Abanquel. I will spell his name foneticali. Elpidio: E as in Elpidio, L as in lpidio, p as in pidio, i as in idio, d as in dio, i as in io and o as in o.
Operator: Sir, can you please use English words.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Abanquel: A as in Airport, B as in Because, A as in Airport agen, N as in... Enemy, Q as in... Cuba, U as in... Europe, E as in... Important and L as in... Elephant.
Bisaya
Napansin nung Tiyo na yung kaniyang pamangkin na bagong salta sa America ay umiiyak sa tabi ng kaniyang nakatumbang bisikleta sa tabing daan. Tanong tuloy nung Tiyo, "Hijo, bakit ka umiiyak?"
Sagot nung pamangkin, "Angkol, Angkol..." Madaling kinorek nung Tiyo yung kaniyang pamangkin, "Hijo, ikaw ay nasa America na. Hindi Angkol... Angkel!"
Tinuloy nung pamangkin yung kaniyang kwento, "Angkel, Angkel, I rode my Bysikol..." Madali muling kinorek nung Tiyo yung kaniyang pamangkin, "Hijo, nasa America ka na. hindi Bysikol ang tawag diyan... Bysikel".
Muling tinuloy nung pamangkin yung kaniyang kwento, "Angkel, Angkel, I rode my Bysikel to buy some Papsikol..." Madali na namang kinorek nung Tiyo, "Hijo, hindi Papsikol - Papsikel!"
Tinuloy ulit nung pamangkin yung kaniyang kwento, "Angkel, Angkel, I rode my Bysikel, to buy some Papsikel... en den I pel... now I heb a Bukel..."
Chocolate
Babaeng Tsokolate
Bata: Ale pagbilhan nga po ng babaeng tsokolate.
Ale: Meron bang babaeng tsokolate.
Bata: Meron po. Yon bang tsokolateng may MANI!!!
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