Pimple Remover
if you want to remove wrinkles, pimples,
face marks and the 7 signs of skin aging
try....
ADOBE PHOTOSHOP!
10 Commandments of Marriage
COMMANDMENT 1
Marriages are made in heaven.
But so are thunder and lightning.
COMMANDMENT 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
COMMANDMENT 3
Marriage is grand -- and
divorce is at least 100 grand!
COMMANDMENT 4
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year
of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man
listens. In the third year, they both speak and the
neighbors listen.
COMMANDMENT 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new
or the wife is.
COMMANDMENT 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
COMMANDMENT 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night
thinking about something you say. After marriage,
he will fall asleep before you finish.
COMMANDMENT 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful,
understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.
COMMANDMENT 9
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry.
That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.
COMMANDMENT 10
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished..
Cheeky Girls Parody
Charbee & CO. one of the most funniest Korean funny guys around are dancing to the tune of Cheeky Girls.
The Best of Lida & Melina (Mad TV)
These 2 are very funny and was one of the best Mad TV skits ever made.
Condom Ad Slogans
1) Cover your stump before you hump
2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie
4) When in doubt shroud you spout
5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong
7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize
Nora Aunor
Host: Sino ang national hero na naka-picture sa 500 Peso bill? Clue, may initials na N.A. (Ninoy Aquino)
Contestant: Nora Aunor?
Host: Hindi. Ang pangalan niya ay nage-end sa "Y".
Contestant: Guy Aunor?
Host: Hindi. Dati siyang Senador.
Contestant: Si Former Senator Guy Aunor?
Host: Hindi. Patay na siya.
Contestant: ANO??!! PATAY NA SI NORA AUNOR???!!!
TIto Ortiz In Mad TV
Tito Ortiz joins Mad TV as he tries to get into a commercial for Big Man Deodorant.
Mr. Clean
H : Ano ang tawag sa tao na sumasagip sa iyo pag ikaw ay nalulunod?
Clue : "L" ang simula ng pangalan niya.
C : Lifebuoy?
H : Hindi, pero kahawing nga ng pangalan ng sabon ang pangalan ng taong ito.
C : Safeguard?
H : Hindi, pagsamahin mo yung dalawang sagot mo.
C : Safe boy?
H : Hindi siya 'boy' at matipuno nga ang kaniyang katawan.
C : Si Mr. Clean!
Erap's Prayer
Gambling father
who art in jueteng
hakot be thy name
thy kickback come
thy wealth be done,
in Wack-Wack as it is in San Juan .
Give me this day
My daily bribe
And conceal all my sins
As I conceal those who sin along with me
And if I am Led into temptation
Deliver me from criticism
For mine is the country,
its power, and its money
forever and ever. Amen.
Response:
Aba Ginoong Estrada
Napupuno ka ng kwarta
Ang panginoon ng jueteng ay sumasaiyo
Bukod kang pinagpala sa lahat ng bobo
At pinagpala ka naman ng kay raming
kulasisi mo.
Project
Nanay:Hoy!Bakit buntis ka?
Anak:wala po i2 nay,project po to.tungkol sa life cycle.
nanay:Sino ama nyan!sabihin mo!
Anak:marami po eh...GROUP PROJECT ksi...
Erap Joke - Prosti
Zamora: "Mr. ERAP, dumarami na naman daw ang mga prosti sa kalsada."
ERAP: "okay lang siguro iyun dahil malapit na ang summer, masarap din naman ang prosti lalo na iyung grape flavor
Erap Joke - Logic
One day, Erap sees Pres. Ramos reading a book on logic.
Erap : Fidel, mahirap yata iyang binabasa mong libro.
Ramos : Hindi, logic lang ito, madali lang.
Erap : Ano ba yang logic na yan, hindi ko yata alam yan.
Ramos : Ganito lang yan, may aquarium ka ba sa bahay?
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : Kung may aquarium ka, eh di mahilig ka sa isda.
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : At kung mahilig ka sa isda, mahilig ka rin sa dagat.
Erap: Oo.
Ramos ; Eh di kung mahilig ka sa dagat, gusto mo pumupunta sa beach.
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : At kung mahilig kang pumunta sa beach, mahilig ka sa babaeng naka-bathing suit.
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : Eh kung mahilig ka sa mga seksing babaeng naka-bathing suit, >eh >>di >> > >lalakeng - lalaki ka.
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : Eh kung lalakeng - lalaki ka, eh di macho ka.
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : Kita mo na na, ganyan lang ang logic!
Erap : Okey pala yang logic na yan, ah!
The following day, Erap sees Maceda in the Senate. . .
Erap : Pare,Maceda, susubukan ko lang itong tinuro sa aking logic ni Ramos.
Maceda : Sige nga!
Erap : May aquarium ka ba sa bahay?
Erap Joke - Joan of Arc
Erap went to France to watch the world cup. He was toured around by a French official. "Mr. President, this is Joan of Arc. Do you know her?"
Erap: Of course. She's Noah's wife.
Shrek
Juan: Pare may ka-eyeball ako mamayang chick! Sabi nya ang kamukha daw nyang artista nagsisimula sa SH ang pangalan!
Pedro: Wow pare! Magaganda ang mga nag-uumpisa sa SH! Shaina, Sharon, Shakira! Wow! Swerte mo pare!
*Matapos ang eyeball*
Pedro: O pare, sinong kamukha?!
Juan: Si SHrek.
Text Message
Pari: Mga kapatid, kasalanan natin ang gumagamit ng cellphone habang nagmimisa. We must not disturb others in prayer.
*nag-ring ang cellphone ni Father!*
Pari: Teka lang mga kapatid, may message si Lord.
Medical Check Up
isang araw, nagpacheck up si lolo ...
DOC: Lolo, I need your urine, stool, and semen sample.
LOLO: Ano daw sabi?
LOLA: Ibigay mo na lang brief mo, nandun na lahat yun!
Viagra
Biology Time
q. What do you call the stage of a woman when she
stops her periods?
A: MENOPAUSE.
Q: How about when a man starts to use VIAGRA?
A: KINAPAUSE!
Driver and Passenger
Jeep Passenger: Manong, bayad ko oh..
Driver: San galing?
Jeep Passenger: Sa ‘akin malamang!
Driver: Papunta saan?
Jeep Passenger: Sa’yo TANGA!
Kulangot
Girl nangungulangot sa jeep..
Tinanong ng matandang babae..
LOLA: ineng, anong kinukuha mo?
GIRL: nursing po..
LOLA: ah...kala ko kulangot..
Song Title
me isang ngongo (iyong may bingas sa bibig) na mahilig kumanta
sa pagkanta niya nagdedicate siya para sa mga pusong wasak
at eto ang sinabi niya.
''ang awinh nah inoh ay mara sa mga ngusong wasak''
Pinoy Pick Up Lines Part 2
1.'miss troso ka ba???
ang sarap mo kasing sibakin eh...'
2. miss, alam mo bang
hindi tayo tao
hindi tayo hayop
at hindi tayo halaman.
bagay tayo, bagay.
3. miss, palay ka ba?
baka pwede kasi kitang bayuhin!
4. sa nililigawan mong babae.. sa bday niya bigyan mo siya ng boteng walang laman, syempre magtataka yun diba..... Hun bakit mo ko binigyan ng boteng walang laman? sabihin mo...... kasi ganyan ang buhay ko pag wala ka.
5. miss may pambura ka ba???? kasi hindi kita mabura sa isipan ko.
6. pag nasa sinehan kayo ng syota mo.....
pag nanonood kayo lagi mong tignan ang mukha niya... syempre magtataka yun.....tapos maya maya magtatanong yun.... bakit ka nakatingin saken???
sabihin mo....
kasi mas maganda ka pa sa pinapanood eh.
7. miss, keyboard ka ba?
kasi type kita.
8. miss alam mo para kang pustiso??
kasi can't smile without you.
9. Boy: Lecture mo ba ako?
Girl: Bakit mo nasabi?
Boy: Lab kasi kita eh.
Subterrenean
Scene: 1996 Miss Universe pageant in Las Vegas. Host Bob Barker introducing the candidates.
Bob: Please welcome, Miss Canada!
Galing sa isang kasuluksulukan ng auditorium, a voice screams "Subterranean!"
Bob: Please welcome, Miss France!
Voice: Subterranean!
Bob: Please welcome, Miss Italy!
Voice: Subterranean!
Bob: Now, please welcome, Miss Papua New Guinea!
- Silence -
Bob: Please welcome, Miss USA!
Voice: Suuuub-teeerranean! Yah-hoo!!!
Bob: Please welcome, Miss Zaire!
- Silence -
During intermission, Bob was really curious why the voice was shouting "subterranean", so he dispatched a guard to fetch the fellow and bring him backstage. They picked up the guy who turns out to be a Filipino (from a remote barrio) who didn't speak English. So they got an interpreter to ask the Pinoy why he was shouting "Subterranean". Bob asked... "Did you mean Mediterranean? Or Carribean? And why do I seem to keep on hearing Subterranean?"
Sabi ng Pinoy: "Wala akong sinasabing "subterranean". Ang sabi ko, SARAP TIRAHIN NIYAN!"
Porch
Matagal nang naghahanap ng trabaho yung bagong saltang Pinoy. Nakakita siya ng posibilidad sa "Help Wanted" section ng Classified Ads. "Wanted - Painter of Porch". Aba!, sabi nung Pinoy sa sarili... OK ito! Sa Pilipinas, e marami na akong pininta; yung libingan ng lolo ko, yung pader ng lumang bahay namin, yung kulungan ng mga baboy ng tiyo ko - pwede palagay ko ako rito!
In-explain nung Kano na nangangailangan ng pintor: "I need to have my porch painted, all in one day. The work involves scraping all the paint up to the bare surface, applying a coat of primer and two final coats of orange paint. Can you do this?"
Sagot nung Pinoy nung ininterbyu siya ng Kano... "Sir, yes sir. I can kaskas... I mean, remoob paint en apply paint beri well."
"Okay!", sabi nung Kano. "You've got the job! Everything you'll need has been unloaded from the trunk of the car."
Tatlong oras pa lang, narining na nung Kano na kumakatok yung Pinoy sa pinto niya. "Sir... Pinis oreydi".
"Wow!" sabi nung Kano. "You finished the job in three hours. Are you sure you scraped the old paint to the bare surface?"
"Sir, yes sir. I tanggalated all the old paint." sagot nung Pinoy.
"Then, you deserve a bonus! Here's another 20 bucks." sabi nung Kano.
"Sir, tenkyu sir." wika nung Pinoy. "Pero sir, you don't heb a porch... your car is a BMW..."
Telephone Operator
agong salta sa America, yung Pinoy ay gustong mag-long distance sa Pilipinas kaya dinayal yung "0 for Operator".
Operator: AT&T. How may I help you?
Pinoy: Heyloow. Ay wud like to long distans da Pilipins, plis.
Operator: Name of the party you're calling?
Pinoy: Aybegyurpardon? Can you repit agen plis?
Operator: What is the name of the person you are calling?
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu and sori. Da name of my calling is Elpidio Abanquel. Sori and tenkyu.
Operator: Please spell out the name of the person you're calling phonetically.
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. What is foneticali?
Operator: Please spell out the letters comprising the name a letter at a time and citing a word for each letter.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Da name of Elpidio Abanquel is Elpidio Abanquel. I will spell his name foneticali. Elpidio: E as in Elpidio, L as in lpidio, p as in pidio, i as in idio, d as in dio, i as in io and o as in o.
Operator: Sir, can you please use English words.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Abanquel: A as in Airport, B as in Because, A as in Airport agen, N as in... Enemy, Q as in... Cuba, U as in... Europe, E as in... Important and L as in... Elephant.
Bisaya
Napansin nung Tiyo na yung kaniyang pamangkin na bagong salta sa America ay umiiyak sa tabi ng kaniyang nakatumbang bisikleta sa tabing daan. Tanong tuloy nung Tiyo, "Hijo, bakit ka umiiyak?"
Sagot nung pamangkin, "Angkol, Angkol..." Madaling kinorek nung Tiyo yung kaniyang pamangkin, "Hijo, ikaw ay nasa America na. Hindi Angkol... Angkel!"
Tinuloy nung pamangkin yung kaniyang kwento, "Angkel, Angkel, I rode my Bysikol..." Madali muling kinorek nung Tiyo yung kaniyang pamangkin, "Hijo, nasa America ka na. hindi Bysikol ang tawag diyan... Bysikel".
Muling tinuloy nung pamangkin yung kaniyang kwento, "Angkel, Angkel, I rode my Bysikel to buy some Papsikol..." Madali na namang kinorek nung Tiyo, "Hijo, hindi Papsikol - Papsikel!"
Tinuloy ulit nung pamangkin yung kaniyang kwento, "Angkel, Angkel, I rode my Bysikel, to buy some Papsikel... en den I pel... now I heb a Bukel..."
Chocolate
Babaeng Tsokolate
Bata: Ale pagbilhan nga po ng babaeng tsokolate.
Ale: Meron bang babaeng tsokolate.
Bata: Meron po. Yon bang tsokolateng may MANI!!!
Batibot
Naaalala nyo pa ba ang mga paborito ninyong Batibot Characters? Sina Kuya Bodgie, Ate Sienna, Manang Bola, Pong pagong, Kiko Matsing at marami pang iba. Panoorin nyo ang special segment tungkol sa Batibot reunion.
Pinoy Business Names
Wash & Carry (laundromat on Dian Street, Makati near Cash & Carry)
Washing Well (laundromat)
yehey.com (Yahoo clone)
Your Best Vet (veterinary clinic)
What's Disc? (novelty CD kiosk, Megamall)
Wrap and Roll (lumpia outlet, Quad, Makati).
The Way We Wear (boutique)
Tio Paeng Longganisa Stand (Pampanga)
To Home It May Concern (furniture shop in Caloocan)
Tree's Company (artificial plant store, Pasay Road)
Triple Bee (restaurant)
Fagoofyt (a children's hair salon on J.
Elizalde Avenue in BF Paranaque)
Felix the Cut and Going Straight (a hair
straightening salon in Megamall)
D'Scalp (a barbershop on Evangelista
Street in Makati)
Curl Up And Dye (beauty salon)
Cutis (hair and skin clinic on South Superhighway);
Beefer 150 (meat shop)
Common Cents Store (sari-sari store)
Happy Birthday Toyo (a soy sauce brand in the 70's)
The Fried of Marikina ( fried chicken shop)
Elizabeth Tailoring
Leon King Video Rental (Las Pinas)
Fernando Pe's Box Office Hits (video rental shop in Busuanga, Palawan)
Pinoy IQ Test
Q: What's the difference between a kiss, a car, and a monkey?
A: A kiss is so dear, a car is too dear, a monkey is you my dear.
Q: What will happen to a wooden car with a wooden wheel and a wooden engine?
A: It wooden start.
Q: Bakit intsik ang kinikidnap hindi bumbay?
A:Kasi pag bumbay, ang bayaran ng ransom ay hulugan, sa intsik cash!
Q: Why is breastmilk still best for babies?
A: It's fresh and contains antibodies for protection against infection. The best is that it comes in a very attractive container!
Q: Why should we not pass judgement on Monica Lewinsky?
A: Kasi "NAPASUBO LANG SIYA!"
Q: Ano mangyayari kay tweety bird kapag uminom siya ng viagra?
A: Magiging BIG BIRD.
Q: Ano ang difference ng bading at cannibal?
A: Ang cannival kumakain ng ka-URI, ang bading kumakain ng ka-ARI!
Q: Ano ang pagkakatulad ng sex at insurance?
A: Habang tumatanda ka, tumataas ang presyo.
Q: Ano ang sinabi ni Satanas nang ipanganak AKO?
A: "Lintek! Isa na namang anghel ang ipinanganak."
Q: Ano naman ang sinabi niya nang ipanganak KA?
A: "Oh, no! Hindi puwede ito! Ayoko pang mag-retire!"
Q: Ano ang sabi ng bangus nang mamamatay na siya?
A: I'm daing!
Q: Ano ang sabi ng isda nang hiwain siya sa gitna?
A: I'm tuna (two na).
Q: Bakit mas matataba ang mga may asawang lalaki kaysa sa mga walang asawang lalaki?
A: Kasi ang mga walang asawang lalaki, pag-uwi, titingnan ang laman ng ref niya at kapag walang nakita, humihiga na lang sa kama para matulog. Ang may asawa, pag-uwi, titingnan ang kama at makikita ang misis nila, pumupunta na lang sa kusina para buksan ang ref nila.
Q: Ano ang pinagkaiba ng lalaking tumataya sa lotto at ang lalaking nakikipag-away sa misis niya.
A: Mas malaki ang tsansa ng lalaking manalo sa lotto kaysa sa pakikipag-away sa misis niya.
Rebels
Dati, dito sa pinas, kung gusto mong mag rebelde, akyat ka sa bundok.
Ngayon, kung gusto mong magrebelde, akyat ka na sa HOTEL!
Di ba sosyal na?
English Song Titles Translated To Tagalog
Don't Let Me Be The Last To Know! - Huwag Mo Kong Gawing Tanga!
You Should Know By Now - Alam Mo Na Dapat Ngayon Yan, Tanga!
Sometimes When We Touch - Minsan Kapag Tayo'y Naghihipuan
Touch Me In The Morning - Hipuan Mo Ko Sa Umaga
Stairway To Heaven - Mula Paa Hanggang Singit
Hurt So Good - Array, ang Sarrap!
Total Eclipse Of The Heart - Maitim Ang Puso
I Left My Heart In San Francisco - Walang akong Puso ngayon
King And Queen Of Hearts - Tong-itan at pusuyan!
Pretty Woman - AKO yun o kaya'y di ikaw yun!
Hey Jude - Hoy Hudas! Barabas!
Power Of Love - Buntis
How Deep Is Your Love - Gaano Kalalim ang sa iyo
Three Times A Lady - Super Bakla
More Than A Woman - Tomboy (T-Bird)
Can't Be With You Tonight - Meron Ako Ngayon
Pampers
Kapag umiiyak ang baby, i PAMPERS mo!
Kapag umiiyak pa rin, i KIMBIES mo!
Pag ayaw pa ring tumigil sa pag-iyak aba'y, i HUGGIES mo na!!
Division
Sa Math Class…
Teacher: Banong, kung meron akong 1 piraso ng karne at hinati ko ito, ilang
piraso na?
Banong: 2 po mam!
Teacher: At kung hnati ko pa pareho?
Banong: 4 na piraso po!
Teacher: Hinati ko ulit.
Banong: 8 piraso po.
Teacher: Hinati ko pa.
Banong: 16 po mam.
Teacher: Hinati ko pa?
Banong: 32 piraso na po!
Teacher: Kung hinati ko ulit?
Banong: 64 po! (nakangiti)
Teacher: At hinati ko pa? 2 beses ko pang hinati?
Banong: Ay susmaryosep mam! GINILING na po! GINILING!!!
Japanese Translations
Manok - Sekken
Mamaya - Sakana
Joke - Biru
Stereo - Akai
Cook - Giza-giza
Ayos - Furo oke
Fingernail - Koko
Laughed - Anata-wa
This - Itto
Small piece of cloth - Retasu
Cornfield - Mais-san
Hindi Masyado - Natsu
Cigarette - Yoshi
Ipagpaumanhin - Kamisori
Is this your property? - Arimoto?
Yes, this is my property.- Arikoto.
Is this yours? - Sayobato?
This is mine. - Sakinitu.
Can I have it? - Akinato?
You can have it. - Sayonato.
Can we have it? - Saminato?
You can have it. - Sanyonato
You've grown so thin! - Kitanabutomo!
We saw each other. - Kitakami.
We had a big get-together. - Kitakitakami.
That was my assumption. - Inakarako.
We will boycott the election. - Kaminoboto.
Are you a victim of discrimination? - Minamatakaba?
I give up. - Sukonako.
Ouch! - Haraiku!
What a sad life it is. - Hainaku.
Is this your car? - Otomoto?
Is this my car? - Otokoto?
Is this your noodles? - Mikimoto?
I'll take this. - Kukuninkoto.
This is my desk. - Itodesko.
Speechless? - Wasabe?
An ampalaya (bittermelon) - Kurukurubot
What are your thoughts? - Kuru-kuromo?
I am thinking. - Munimuniko.
Are you playing the guitar? - Gigitaraka?
Is this your underwear? - Jakeemoto?
Are you annoyed already? - Iniskanabane?
You're crazy!!! - Sirauromo!!!
Algebra
MR DANILO: "I am your teacher, I am good in three languages."
PIKAW: "What are the subjects you're good at?"
MR DANILO: "Oh, I like Math and English."
PIKAW: "How do you say 'good morning' in Algebra?"
Alcoholic Writes A Letter
Beer dad,
Gin na ko mag-iinom whisky kahit kelan. Tanduayan mo yan.
Your son,
Miguel
Pinoy Names Translated In English
Mga pangalang Pilipino isinalin sa Ingles
1. Restituto Fruto - Tutti Fruti
2. Casimiro Bocaycay - Cashmere Bouquet
3. Rogelio Dagdag - Roger Moore
4. Veneracion De Asis - Venereal Disease
5. Alfonso De Asis - Alzheimer's Disease
6. Topacio Mamaril - Top Gun
7. Francisco Portero - Frank Porter
8. Juanito Lakarin - Johnny Walker
9. Esteban Pagtakhan - Stevie Wonder
10. Leon Mangubat - Tiger Woods
11. Burgos Hari - Burger King
12. Ligaya Almundo - Joy To The World
13. Maria Natividad - Mary Christmas
14. Ligaya Anonuevo - Happy New Year
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