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Second Generation Fil-Ams or Pinoys


You understand a lot of Tagalog, but can hardly speak it.

Make fun of your parents' accents.

As a child, you were totally embarrassed to eat spaghetti with sliced hot dogs in it. Now, there is absolutely no way you will eat spaghetti without the hot dogs. In fact, you suggest to your non-Filipino friends that hot dogs make spaghetti taste better.

As a child, you hated being Filipino.

Now, you wear Pinoy Pride T-shirts.

You still wear Tsinelas (slippers).

You still take off your shoes when entering a house.

(Southern California) You've ever lived in Baldwin Park, Carson, Cerritos, the ghetto part of L.A., West Covina, Walnut or Diamond Bar. (Northern California) You've never lived in Union City.

You don't steal things (e.g., towels, soaps, tissues, cups) from hotel rooms like your parents did. And when you do take things, you deny that the action is not a Filipino trait.

You don't care if a T-shirt was made in the Philippines or the USA. As long as it has a designer label on it, you'll wear it.

You like shopping in small Filipino markets or the 99 Ranch, but you can't stand the way it smells in there.

As a child, you cursed your mom for feeding you Sinigang and Adobo all the time, instead of eating at McDonald's once in awhile. Now, it's a special treat when your mom cooks Sinigang or Adobo.

You know how to cook at least one Filipino dish.

You know what fried Tuyo smells like.

You don't go to church anymore.

Diniguan ("black chocolate" dish) still grosses you out.

You still exhibit "tightwad" traits like buying a small soda (instead of medium or large which costs 20 cents more) when it's all you can drink.

You'd rather wash dishes with your hands than use your dishwasher because it wastes more water.

You still like Lumpia and Pansit.

You say Paanset (American pronunciation) instead of Pansit.

You still like Lechon but the pig's head still freaks you out.

You still find Balut disgusting.

You think you're all that when you go back to the Philippines because you don't speak with an accent, your skin is fairer than the natives', and you have cool clothes - not hand-me-downs from relatives in the States.

You think all Filipino (VHS) movies are funny, even when the movie is a drama.

You actually believe that you could become a Filipino movie star back home because you think you're better looking than the Filipinos back home.

You can't stand to look at pictures of you as a young child because you looked like a Fob. (Hey, you were a Fob!

You're disappointed at American parties where the only food to eat are small finger-type foods with names you can't pronounce. (How about those vegetable sticks? Yuk!) You're even more disappointed when there is meat being served, but no rice!

You eat Kentucky Fried Chicken with rice. Screw the biscuits!

You still call your grandparents Lolo and Lola.

You dare not bring Balikbayan boxes with you when traveling back home! One suitcase will do just fine.

Sometimes your Filipino accent comes out accidentally and you get embarrassed about it.

Your non-Filipino friends and coworkers ask you if you've ever eaten dog.

Your college major was in computers, engineering, nursing or business. Filipinos don't major in philosophy, literature, history, sociology and other liberal arts. There's no money in it!

You think that President Marcos is still the Philippine president. Do you know who the current president is?

You still eat Pandesal with butter, Vienna sausage, or eggs.

Your friends and coworkers don't call you by your Filipino nickname (e.g., Popoy, Bong, Jhun Jhun), although your family members and relatives still do.

Your parents' house still have the furniture you grew up with.

Although there are now creative ways to eat Spam, you still like it the classic Filipino way - fried with rice and ketchup. Same with corned beef except without the ketchup.

Donut Please

Pinoy goes to order breakfast at a coffee shop in Manhattan...

Waiter: "What kind of coffee would you like, regular or decaf?"
Pinoy: "No... Big cup! Big cup!"

Waiter: "What would you like for your breakfast?"
Pinoy: "Hameneggs."

Waiter: "And how do you like your eggs, sir?"
Pinoy: "Yes, tenkyu, I like dem beri much."

Waiter: "No sir, I mean how would you like them cooked?"
Pinoy: "Yes, tenkyu, I wud like dem cooked."

Waiter (with increasing impatience): "Would you like your eggs... fried? poached? hard boiled or soft boiled?"
Pinoy (with increasing uneasiness): "Yes, one fried en one hard boiled or sop boiled."

Waiter: "And what bread would you like?"
Pinoy: "Begyurpardon?"

Waiter: "What kind of bread would you like... white? rye? whole wheat? toast?"
Pinoy: "Pan Amercano..."
Waiter: "We don't have that..."
Pinoy: "Okey. Gib me Taystee..."

Waiter: "We don't have that either, sir..."
Pinoy: "Do you heb pan de lemon or bonete?"

Waiter: "Sir, you are wasting my time... I shall ask for the last time, what would you like for breakfast?"

Pinoy: "Donut plis..."

News Flash Jokes

News Flash!

Capt. Hook dumaan sa Quiapo, pinirata!!!

Palaisdaan, nasunog!!!

Tahanang Walang Hagdan, inakyat!!!

Bakla sumali sa away, napasubo!!!

Bagong tuli nagyabang, lumaki ang ulo!!!

Unanong madre, napagkamalang penguin!!!

Bulag nakapatay, nagdilim daw ang paningin!!!

Iceman nanood ng X, nag-init!!!

Tindera ng suka, tinoyo!!!

Teacher nagkamali, tinuruan ng leksyon!!!

Lolo naakusahang nang-rape, pero sa korte....biktima ayaw tumayo!!!

Eroplano nag-crash, lahat ng pasahero namatay sabi ng mga survivor!!!

Basurero nagsampa ng kaso, binasura!!!

Dahil may reklamo, eskwelahan ng mga bingi nag-noise barrage!!!

Tubero, nagka-tulo!!!

Lalaki natagpuang pugot ang ulo,inaalam pa kung buhay!!!

Barbero tumestigo sa krimen, ayaw paniwalaan!!!

Misis ng photographer, nakunan!!!

Tindera ng tubig, namatay sa uhaw!!!

Kaso ng pilay, nilalakad!!!

Vacuum Salesman

Kumatok ang isang ahente sa bahay. pagbukas ni misis ng pinto, agad pumasok ang ahente
at ikinalat sa sahig ang ebak ng kabayo.

sabi ng ahente: Mam, pag hindi nalinis ng
Vacuum cleaner ko ang kalat... kakainin ko ang mga yan!!!

Misis: ay putang ina ka!!! umpisahan mo na pagkain niyan at BROWNOUT kami ngayon

How To Spot A Filipino

You point with your lips.
You eat using your hands and have it down to a technique!
Your other piece of luggage is a balikbayan box.
You nod your head upwards to greet someone.
You put your foot up on your chair and rest your elbow on your knee while eating.
You use a rock to scrub yourself in the bath or shower.
You have to kiss your relatives on the cheek as soon as you enter the room.
You're standing next to eight big boxes at the airport.
You collect items from hotels or restaurants "for souvenir's sake."
Your house has a distinctive aroma.
You smile for no reason.
You flirt by having a foolish grin on your face while raising your eyebrows repeatedly.
You go to a department store and try to bargain the prices.
You use an umbrella for shade on hot summer days.
You scratch your head when you don't know the answer.
You never eat the last morsel of food on the table.
You go bowling
You play pusoy & mah jong
You find dried up morsels of rice stuck to your shirt.
You prefer to sit in the shade instead of basking in the sun.
You add an unwarranted "H" to your name (i.e., "Jhun," "Bhoy," or "Rhon.")
You put your hands together in front of you as if to make a path and say "excuse, excuse" when you pass in between people or in front of the TV.
Your middle name is your mother's maiden name.
You like everything that's imported or "state-side."
You check the labels on clothes to see where it was made.
You hang your clothes out to dry.
You are perfectly comfortable in a squatting position with your elbows resting on your knees.
You consistently arrive 30 minutes late for all events.
You always offer food to all your visitors.

VOCABULARY:
You say "comfort room" instead of "bathroom."
You say "for take out" instead of "to go."
You "open" or "close" the lights.
You ask for "Colgate" instead of "toothpaste."
You ask for a "pentel pen" or a "ball pen" instead of just a pen.
You refer to the refrigerator as the "ref" or "pridyider."
You say kodakan instead of "take a picture."
You order a "McDonald's" instead of a "hamburger" (pronounced ham-boor-jer).
You say "Ha?" instead of "What?"
You say "Hoy!" to get someone's attention.
You answer when someone yells "Hoy!"
You turn around when someone says "Psst!"
You say "Cutex" instead of "nail polish."
You say "for a while" instead of "please hold" on the telephone.
You say "he" when you mean "she" and vice versa.
You say "aray!" instead of "ouch!"
Your sneeze sounds like "ahh-ching" instead of "ahh-choo."
You prefer to make acronyms for phrases such as "OA" for overacting, "DOM" for dirty old man and "TNT" for, well, you know.
You say "air con" instead of "a/c" or air conditioner.
You pronounce the following words:"hippopo-TA-mus," "com-FOR-table," "bro-CO-li," and "Mongo-mery Ward."
You say "brown-out" instead of "black-out."
You say "Uy!" instead of "Oops."

HOME FURNISHINGS:
You use a walis tambo and a walis ting-ting as opposed to a conventional broom.
You have a "Weapons of Moroland" shield hanging in your living room wall.
You have a portrait of "The Last Supper" hanging in your dining room wall.
You own a karaoke system.
You own a piano no one ever plays.
You have a tabo in the bathroom.
Your house is cluttered with burloloys.
You have two or three pairs of tsinelas at your doorstep.
Your house has ornate wrought iron gates in front of it.
You have a rose garden.
You display a laughing Buddha for good luck.
You have a shrine to the Santo Nino in your living room.
You own a "Barrel Man" (shwing!)
You have a parol hanging outside your house during the holidays.
You cover your living room furniture with bedsheets.
Your lampshades still have the plastic covers on them.
You have plastic runners to cover the carpets in your house.
You refer to your VCR as the "Beyta-Max."
You have a rice dispenser.
You own a turbo broiler.
You own one of those fiber-optic flower lamps.
You own a lamp with the oil that drips down the strings.
You have a giant wooden fork & spoon hanging in the dining room.
You have wooden tinikling dancers on the wall.
You own capiz shell chandeliers, lamps or placemats.

AUTOMOBILES:
You own a Mercedes Benz and call it "chedeng."
You own a huge van conversion.
Your car chirps like a bird or plays a tune when it's in reverse.
Your car horn can make three or more different sounds.
Your car has curb feelers on it.
You hang a rosary on your car's rear view mirror.
You have those air fresheners in a bottle.

FAMILY:
You have aunts and uncles named "Baby," "Girlie," or "Boy."
You were raised to believe that every Filipino is an aunt, uncle or cousin.
Your dad was in the navy.
Your mom or sister is a nurse.
You get smelling kisses from your grandma.
Your parents call each other "mommy" and "daddy."
You have a family member that has a nickname that repeats itself (i.e., "Deng-Deng," "Ling-Ling," "Jong-Jong" or "Bing-Bing.")
You put hot dogs in your spaghetti.
You consider dilis the Filipino equivalent to french fries.
You think that eating chocolate rice pudding and dried fish is a great morning meal.
You order things like tapsilog, longsilog, or tocilog at restaurants.
You instinctively grab a toothpick after a meal.
You order a "soft drink" instead of a "soda."
You dip bread in your morning coffee.
You refer to seasonings and all other forms of monosodium glutimate as "Ajinomoto."
Your cupboards are full of corned beef hash, Spam and Vienna Sausages.
"Goldilocks" means more to you than just a character in a fairy tale.
You appreciate a fresh pot of hot rice.
You bring baon to work every day.
Your baon is usually something over rice.
Your neighbors complain about the smell of tuyo on Sunday mornings.
You eat rice for breakfast.
You use your fingers to measure the water when cooking rice.
You wash and re-use plastic utensils and Styrofoam cups.
You have a supply of frozen lumpia in the freezer.
You have an ice-shaver for making halo-halo.
Your cloth tablecloths have tell-tale "toyo circles" on them.
You eat purple yam-flavored ice cream.
You gotta have a bottle of Jufran handy.
You fry Spam and hot dogs and eat them with rice.
You think half-hatched duck eggs are a delicacy.
You know that "chocolate meat" isn't really made with chocolate.

Miss Universe

The SETTING: Pageant Night Ms. Universe Beauty Pageant Q & A Portion

THE FINALISTS:

Ms. America
Ms. Spain
Ms. Britain
Ms. Iran
Ms. India
Ms. Philippines
QUESTION: Ms. America, how would you describe a male organ in your country?

MS. AMERICA: Well, I would say that , male organs in America are like gentlemen.

QUESTION: Why do you say that?

MS. AMERICA: Because it stands every time it sees a woman.

(Applause...Applause)

QUESTION: Ms. Spain, how would you describe a male organ in your country?

MS. SPAIN: Male organs in our country are like toros in our very own bullfight.

QUESTION: Why do you say that?

MS. SPAIN: Because it charges every time it sees an opening.

(Applause....Applause)

QUESTION: Ms. Britain, how would you describe a male organ in your country?

MS. BRITAIN: Male organs in our country are like Shakespearian actors.

QUESTION: Why do you say that?

MS. BRITAIN: Because it cries after every performance.

(Applause...Applause)

QUESTION: Ms. Iran, how would you describe a male organ in your country?

MS. IRAN: Well. I can say that male organs in Iran are like thieves.

QUESTION: And why do you say that?

MS. IRAN: Because they always enter through the back door.

(Applause...Applause)

QUESTION: Ms. India, how would you describe a male organ in your country?

MS. INDIA: Well, I can say that a male organ in India is like a laborer.

QUESTION: Why do you say that?

MS. INDIA: Because it works day & night.

(Applause...Applause)

QUESTION: Ms. Philippines, how would you describe a male organ in your country?

MS. PHILIPPINES: Ahh... well, opcors, hihihi... I can say dat male organs in our country are like chismis!

QUESTION: Chismis?

MS. PHILIPPINES: Ayy! Sorry... it's ano, ahh kuwan... it means GOSSIP in our language.

QUESTION: Hmm... interesting comparison. And why do you say that?

MS. PHILIPPINES: Ayy... dyahe! Hihihi! Kasi... I mean... Because... it passes from mouth to mouth.

(STANDING OVATION!)

Erap's Letter

To My Countrymen

Dear peoples from di Phillipines,

As you are already informed via the internit, you should all be fully in awareness that I am going to be the next President of the Philippines. Now I know all the votes are not yet fully counted, but who cares about counting all the votes? You've seen one ballot, you've seen them all. Trust me, they all look the same.

I am in knowing that many of you peoples here have somethings in reserved against me, and also thats many of you often make fun of me. So plees, plees let me re-insure you that I am not the man you are thinking I am. Many of the mudslingings about me from my opposers are lies, or things that are in the past. And I am not as stoopid as you beleive. I know how to subtract 2 plus 2, I can spell english better than Dan Kwayl, I know about economics and the law of sublime and demand.

Underneath this barong, pantalon, and leopard briefs, is a man who knows what to do. You only need to ask the many women who have seen me and been with me naked to confirm this truth. I know what to do for our nation. I will do everything inhumanly possible to carry our nation into the dawn of the new century, the 2000th century. I want to make sure that when I am over my term, that the economy will have improved from all the money that I will have circulated into my pockets.

In conclustion, I would like to close by saying to you peoples, to please respect the will of the Philiphino voters, forget about parties and politics, and unite behind my back.

Thank you.

President-erect of the Philippines,

Joseph "Erap" Estrada

Coffee and Milk

Erap: Bakit mula ng ihalo ko sa kape yon milk na bili mo, lagi na lang ako nagtatae?

Loi: Baka di hiyang sayo. Ano ba brand yan?

Erap: Nivea Milk Creme!

Parachute

Titser: Class, who among you can use “paracute” in a sentence?

Pupil razed his hands: maam, last night I heard my dad said to my mom, “hon, wag malikot para shoot”.

How Women Get Pregnant

A young boy knows about sex and where babies come from because his mother told him that, "The man puts his penis inside the woman and she gets pregnant."

A few days later, after pondering this for some time, the boy asks in all the innocence and wonder of a child... "Does the man ever get his penis back?

Honda & Mazda Cars

Q: Ano ang kotse ng mga maaarte?

A: Eh, di Hon-DUH!

Q: Ano naman ang kotse ng mga mas maarte?

A: Eh, di Maz-DUH!

Toothpick Tragedy

Customer: Ano ba naman itong tutpik nyo, iisa na nga lang ang dali pang mabali.

Waiter (inis): Alam nyo sir, ang dami ng gumamit nyan, pero kayo lang nakabali!

Confident and Confidential

Anak: Itay, ano kaibahan ng confident sa confidential?

Itay: Anak kita, CONFIDENT ako dyan. Yung bestpren mong si Tikboy, anak ko rin, CONFIDENTIAL yan.

Vitamins A-Z

Panchito: Vitamins ko ABC – Alak, Babae at Cigarette.

Babalu: Ako naman DEF – Damo, Egg at Frutas.

Dolphy: Ako, from A to Z. Alma to Zsa Zsa.

Body Organs

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The asshole is usually in charge !!

Battle Of The Brainless

"Mr. Orakel contestants............The Battle of the Brainless is back!"

Host: What "N" is the
national tree of the Philippines?
Contestant: Niyog?
Host: Mas matigas pa diyan.
Contestant: (in a strong-sounding voice) NIYOG!!!

Host: Saan "B" binaril si Jose Rizal?
Contestant: Sa back?
Host: O sige, puwede rin na ang simula ay letter "L"
(Luneta).
Contestant: Likod?
Host: Hindi pa rin. Para mas madali, "R.P." ang
initials ng modern name
nito(Rizal Park).
Contestant: Rear Part? (Susme! Likod pa rin yun!)

Host: Saan "B" tayo madalas pumunta pag summer upang
maligo?
Contestant: Banyo?
Host: Hindi, pag pumunta ka
doon, maaarawan ka.
Contestant: Bubong?
Host: Hindi, marami kang makikita duong mga babaeng
naka-bikini.
Contestant: Beerhouse!

Host: Anong "L" ang tawag sa tao na
sumasagip sa iyo pag ikaw aynalulunod?
Contestant: Lifebuoy?
Host: Hindi, pero kahawig nga ng pangalan ng sabon
ang pangalan ng ito.
Contestant : Safeguard?
Host:Hindi, pagsamahin mo yung dalawang sagot mo.
Contestant : Safe Buoy?
Host: Hindi siya "boy"
at matipuno nga ang kaniyang
katawan.
Contestant: Ah, Mr. Clean!

Host: Anong "S" ang ginagamit na flotation device sa
dagat upang hindi ka
malunod?
Contestant: Sirena?
Host: Hindi! Hindi ito babae.
Contestant: Siyokoy?
Host: Hindi ito lalake.
Contestant: Siyoke?

Host: What "S" is the national flower of the
Philippines?
Contestant: Sunflower?
Host: Hindi. Binebenta ito sa kalye.
Contestant: Stork?
Host: Hindi. Bulaklak sabi eh.
Contestant: Sitsarong bulaklak?
Host: Hindi pa rin. It ends with a letter "A".
Contestant: Sitsarong bulaklak na may suka?
Host: Oh, para madali, uulitin ko ang clues at
dadagdagan ko pa! Anong
pangalan ng bulaklak na nagsisimula sa "S",
nagtatapos sa letrang "A", at
kapangalan ng isang sikat na singer?
Contestant: Si...Sharon Cuneta!

Host: Sino ang kauna-unahang Chess Grandmaster of
Asia?
Contestant: Carole KING?
Host:Hindi, mas mababa sa king.
Contestant: Al QUINN?
Host: Hindi, tagalog ang apelyido niya.
Contestant: Armida Siguion-REYNA?
Host: Hindi pa rin. Mas mababa sa reyna.
Contestant: BISHOP Bacani?
Host: Mas mababa sa bishop.
Contestant: Johnny MidNIGHT?
Host: Mas mababa sa Knight.
Contestant: Jerry PONS?
Host: Oh, ayan na, nabanggit mo na lahat ng piyesa
sa Chess. Yung
kahuli-hulihang piyesa na lang.
Contestant: Sylvia laTORRE!

Host: Sino ang national hero na naka-picture sa 500
Peso bill? Clue,may
initials na N.A.
Contestant:Nora Aunor?
Host: Hindi. Ang pangalan niya ay nage-end sa "Y".
Contestant: Guy Aunor?
Host: Hindi.Dati siyang Senador.
Contestant: Si Former Senator Guy Aunor?
Host: Hindi. Patay na siya.
Contestant: ANO??!! PATAY NA SI NORA AUNOR???!!!

One more dagdag:

Host: What "K" is the national animal of the
Philippines?
Contestant: Kuto?
Host: Hinde. Clue, it tills the land.
Contestant: Kutong Lupa!

Chain Letters

I wanted to thank all my friends and family who have forwarded chain letters to me in 2003 & 2004.

Because of your kindness:

* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.

* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.

* I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.

* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.

* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo.

* I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

* When I go to parties, I don't look at any girl, no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me then take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

* I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. (Poor girl! she's been 7 since 1993...)

* I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program would arrive soon.

* My free Nokia phone never arrived and neither did the free passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland.

* Still open to help some from Bulgaria who wants to use my account to transfer his uncle property of some hundred millions $.

* Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Wishing Chain letters ,candles and saintly pics etc.. now most of those 'Wishes' are already married(to someone else)

Types Of Secretary

MABAIT: Tuwad na ako, Sir?

MALAMBING: Ang sarap mo, Sir…

MAHILIG: Bukas ulit, Sir!

The Letter S

Anak : Tays! kakains nas tayos!

Tatay : Hoy! Tigilan mo yang kalalagay mo ng 'S' sa mga sinasabi mo ha!Ano ba ang ulam?

Anak : BANGU na may KAMATI, ARDINA na may IBUYA !

Wedding Anniversary Gift

Anniversary Gift

Mr. 1: Wow, first year wedding anniversary niyo na, anong gift mo sa Misis mo?

Mr. 2: Dadalhin ko siya sa Africa!

Mr. 1: Sarap naman, eh next year ano naman ang gift mo?

Mr. 2: Kukunin ko siya pabalik!!!

Bald Roll On

Anak: Bakit bawal sa mga kalbo ang mag-turtle neck?

Tatay: Dahil magmumukha silang roll-on.

Correspondent

Anak: Tay, ilan "r" ng correspondent?? isa o dalawa???

Tatay: Tatluhin mo na para sure!!!

MMDA Traffic Ticket

MMDA(with pen and ticket) to a traffic violator

MMDA: name?

Foreigner driver: Wilhelm von Corgrinski Papakovitz

MMDA: Ahh.. Next time be careful ha

Manny Pacquiao's Sweet Honey

Sweets... Sweets... please.. Sweets please honey...

Pacquiao: jinky, honey ko. buksan mo na yan Sweets

Jinky: nasaan honey? loving talga ang manny ng buhay ko..mwuah,mwuah,mwuah

Pacquiao: hindi honey yung Sweets ng ilaw..pakibukas hindi kasi ako makakita.. sobrang dilim dito

Wrong Send Text

Wrong send of the day




"Pare huwag mong kalimutan dalhin ang condom ha... Love you!!!!"

Adam And Eve

if only adam and eve were pinoy..

they would not commit original sin..

why??

they would ignore the fruit..

and instead..

Eat the snake..

PULUTAN ito!!!

Graduation Speech

Graduation Day Speech:
tonight i am graduation, i invitation you all to eat our house because i know someday i will eat your house too. i will die five chickens, three girls and two boys to eat you all and i will ask my father to cook my mother.. thank you!!

Dirty

Dear Te!!!

Dear Te!!!

Dear Te!!!

"Sigaw ni annabelle rama kay lorin at Veniz habang naglalaro ng tubig sa kanal"

Quotes By Robin And Rustom Padilla

"hindi ka nababagay dito!!! dun ka nababagay sa mga taong palara!!! sa mga taong nakahiga sa pera!!!"
-- robin padilla

"witchil kez najojogay ditrax!! donchemas kez najojogay sa mga jutawsterz na sholarey!!! sa mga jutaw na naka jigazterz sa adez!!!"
-- rustom padilla

IQ Test

IQ test

why is P3.70 = P13.20??? isip muna bago down....



Answer: trisibinti=trisibinti!!!!
hahaha!!! hindi na-gets!!! basahin mo ulit!!!

First Time

Masakit kapag una hindi ba??

Masikip kasi pati nga ako nasaktan noon eh!!!

pero kapag nakapasok na ok na...

Ang sarap ng feeling

masakit hindi ba sa yo dati??


hirap kapag

"New shoes!!!" noh..

Syllabic

time to refresh your ABAKADA. basahin ito sa tagalog...
B,K,W,L,K,M,G,W,P,R,M,S,Y,T,W,K,H,H,H,T,W,P,H,H,H,T,M,N,P,R,K,N,T NGA!!!
send this to others, P,R,M,K,Gnti ka!!!!
H,H,H,H!!!!!

Last Names

Q: Anong apelyido ni Sisa?
A: Sisa Mistrit

Q: Anong apelyido ni Cedie?
A: Cedie Player

Q: Anong apleyido ni Beast?
A: Beast Kwit

Q: Anong first name ni Nemo?
A: Sarahgero Nemo

Q: Anong apelyido ni Punisher?
A: Punisher Ranno

Q: Anong apelyido ni Denzel?
A: Denzel Weta

Q: Anong apelyido ni Curly?
A: Curly Gazpi

Q: Ano last name ni Anchor?
A: Anchor Tis

Q: Ano last name ni Jewel?
A: Jewel Torre

Q: Ano last name ni Kula?
A: Kula Desma

Q: Ano surname ni Joseph?
A: Joseph Protgam

Q: Anong apelyido ni Aiko?
A: Aiko Zada

Q: Anong apelyido ni Christopher?
A: Christopher Minute

Q: Anong apelyido ni Palito?
A: Palito Lippi

Q: Anong first name ni Keno?
A: Krisa Keno

Q: Ano first name ni Janno?
A: Eduman Janno

Q: Ano first name ni Squall?
A: Piolopa Squall

Q: Ano first name ni Basilio?
A: Lacto Basilio

Q: Ano first name ni Pikachu?
A: Cherrypie Pikachu

Q: Ano first name ni Kenny G?
A: Johnep Kenny G

Q: ano ang first name ni Volta?
A: Johntra Volta

Q: Ano first name ni Diether?
A: Tirso Cruz Diether

Guess?

I saw a woman with big boobs wearing a sweat shirt with "GUESS" on her chest.
So I said, “implants????” she slapped me!!!!
Kainis un!! Papa-guess siya, tapos pag mali, mananampal!!!

Vine Tea

Do you know what is Vine TEA???
Vine Tea...
Vine Tea is actually a sukli, when your money is Php50, when you load 30...
so your sukli is
Vine Tea right!!! heheheh....

Canned Goods

JUAN; Tay ! Penge P20 bibili ako ng de lata.
TATAY: Anak, mga taga bukid lang ang gumagamit ng term na de lata! Englisin mo yan!
JUAN: Paano?
TATAY: KANG GUD!

Tagalog Translations

AMERICAN ENGLISH: Eat All You Can, don't be shy, feel at home!!!!
IN TAGALOG: kain lang kayo ng kain,walanghiya kayo, pakiramdam nyo bahay nyo to! Gago!!!

MGA JOB TITLES NA DAPAT NANG PALITAN:

PRESIDENT- pasimuno.
VICE PRESIDENT- kunsitidor.
SECRETARY- palsipikador.
TREASURER- kubrador.
AUDITOR- kasabwat.
PUBLIC RELATION OFFICER- tsismoso.
REPRESENTATIVES- pahamak.
SPOKESMAN- bolero.
SGT-AT-ARMS- tirador.
ADVISER- taga sulsol. (mas tama di bah?)

Bowel Terms

JERBS,JERBAK = tae
TUBOL = taeng mtigas, gabato, msakit sa pwet.
MEKIKWEKWEK = eto ung mlamig na talsik ng tubig sa pwet pag natutubol.
BURABUS = sabog na tae, kalat sa buong inidoro.
BUGRET = taeng malambot, may mga gulay, bits, corn, bellpepper.
HUDINI = taeng biglang nawawala, wala ka ng ifaflush.
MCARTHUR = taeng bumabalik pagakatpos i-flush. I shall return!!!!
LIGAPOT = taeng tubig, diarrhea, mabaho!!!
BAHID = taeng nasa panty at brief dulot ng UST.
UST = utot sabay tae.

Loose Bowel Problem

Patient: Doc may problema ako… tuwing alas otso ng umaga.. tumatae ako…

Doctor: so anong problema doon???

Patient: Alas nuwebe ako gumigising eh…

Lover Versus Friend

A friend lifts up when your down….
But lover lifts you up…..
And down… up…. Ahhhhh… and down…. Ahhhh….
So ano mas masarap may lover?? Or friend??

Viagra Dosage

Dosage of Viagra:
With new GF = ½ tab
With mistress = 1 tab
With wife = 1 tab + X rated Film + soup number 5 + ginseng + bachus + siling labuyo + talaba + calendar ni Angelica Panganiban

Husband And Wife Fighting

A husband and wife fighting

Wife: Inamo!!!
Husband: inamo rin!!!!
Wife: Tarantado!!!
Husband: tarandado Din!!!!
Wife: GaGo!!!
Husband: Gaga!!!
Wife: Supot!!!
Husband: yun nga lang!!!

Shoulder Bag

Boy: Nakipag-away ako kanina

Ama: nagbibinata na anak ko ah.. Pero bakit???

Boy: eh, tinawag po kasi akong bakla!!! Hinampas ko nga ng shoulder bag ko yung mga chuva evers nay un!!! Hmpft!!!!

Cupcake

Sir: inday si sir mo ito.. nabangga ang kotse ko at I need cash

Inday: Aru! Dugo-dugo gang ka noh??

Sir: Gaga! Si sir mo ito!!!!

Inday: Gago!! Si sir ang tawag sa kin CUPCAKE!!!

Ten Wheeler Dump Trucks

Anak: Tay mag-ingat kayo sa DANK TRAK..


Tatay: anong dantrak??


Anak: yung pong trak na sampu ang gulong na karga buhangin…


Tatay: hindi dantrak yan… “TEN MILLER!!”

Earthquake

Guro: ano ang dapat gawin kapag lumindol??

Pepito: buksan po ang ilaw!!!

Guro: Bakit?

Pepito: kasi po sa kubo naming madalas lumindol pag gabi… pero pagnagswitch ako ng ilaw biglang natigil…

Erap Bumps Foreigner

Erap Bumps foreigner


Erap: sorry!!!


Foreigner: sorry too!!


Erap: im sorry 3!!!


Foreigner: What your sorry for??


Erap: sorry 5!!!


Foreigner: sorry but your sick!!


Erap: Sorry 7.. kala yata nito hindi ako marunong magbilang ah…

10 Embarassing Moments

10. masakit ang tyan at hindi na inabot ang cr

9.umakbay ka sa ibang tao na kalo mo friend mo

8.nagulat ka pero walang nagulat

7. nagjoke ka sa madaming tao pero walang natawa

6.panay salita mo wala ka na palang kausap

5.pag na nkikitawa ka sa mga magfriends na nagjojoke sa jeep. Feeling close.

4. feel na feel mo na ikaw ang kausap, yun nasa likod mo pala

3. bihis na bihis ka na. hindi ka pala kasama

2. lumobo sipon sa sobrang tawa

1. tapos sininghot mo pabalik imbes na punasan!!!

The Letter L

Host: Identify an organ in the human body that starts with the letter "L"

Little Ms. Philippines: The Lungs!!!! without it we cannot breathe

Ms Gay: the Liver!! without it our body will weaken because the liver cleanses the system

Bb. Pilipinas World: im only 17 yrs old and my answer is the L-Bow!!! Oh my God!!! hahahaha!!! I'm sorry!! without it we cannot spread our wings and fly... Butterfly!!! I told you i was confident!!!

Piolo Needs Some

Piolo: i just need five things to live....

Some friends...

Some food...

Some work...

Some love....

and...

Some...

some Milby....

4ever!!!

Electric Chair

Preso sa silya elektrika: Warden, may last request po ako...

Warden: ano yun???

Preso: hawakan nyo naman kamay ko.. moral support ba!!!

Nurse

A Mom called his son...

Mom: Pauwi ka na ba?? Asan ka na???

Son: andito po ako sa hospital...

His Mom cried: Ano nangyari sa yo????

Son: Nay, Nurse kaya ako!! sabog ka ba???

Spanish Poem

el papa la bomba
y mama de cama
tres beses birada
contodo romansa
el papa pagod na
la mama gusto pa
el papa tacas na
porque te-te lambot na

Flo-rida - Low (tagalog lyrics)

Mansanas pantalon,
ang sapatos may buhok(may buhok)..
lahat sila nakatingin na sa iyo (sa iyo)
Ay nadapa! (ay nadapa)
bigla bigla, nagspageti pababa ba ba ba ba...
Pawis na at kupas, ang sapatos may sintas(may sintas!!)
paikot ikot puwet pinalong malakas(malakas!!)
Ay nadapa(ay nadapa)
Bigla bigla nagspagetti pababa ba ba ba ba....

Liver And Cheese

Girl: whoever can use the words LIVER and CHEESE with style will be my date tonight..

Piolo: steak that liver and melt that cheese on me...

Sam: i hate liver but i love cheese as i love u...

Pacman: Hey!!!! you two!! liver alone!! cheese mine!!!

dale ni pacman!!!

Favorite Movies

Pare 1: noong buntis ang misis ko.. paborito nya ang Lord of the Rings 2 Towers.. ayun.. kambal anak namin...

Pare 2: ang misis ko.. paborito nya yung The 3 Musketeers.. ayun.. triplets anak namin..

Biglang nanghina yung isang kumpare nila...

Pare 1 at 2: Bakit?? ano bang paborito ng misis mo??

Pare 3: 300!!!

Drawing Monkey

Bunso: Inay, tingnan nyo po drawing ko oh

Inay: wow!! ang galing namang magdrawing ng monkey ng bunso ko

Bunso: Inay, kayo po yan!!!

Superman

Dad:(Holding 2 toys letting his son choose) si barbie or superman??

Son: superman dad!!!

Dad: good!!(he then left)

Son: Guwapo mo superman!!! nakaumbok pa!! shockssssss!!!

Questions

Mga tanong na kailangan ng malalim na pag-iisip

1. Ang lamok ba pag natutulog nilalamok din??

2. Puwede bang uminum ng coke kapag coffee break???

3. ang uod ba pag namatay inuuod din???

4. bakit ang blackboard kulay green??

5. ang lason ba pag naexpired nakakalason pa din??

6. nanganganak ba ang mga bakla?? kung hindi.. bakit sila dumadami??

7. pwede bang magdinner ang may dalang lunchbox???

8. pag sinabi bang 6 feet anim ang paa mo??

Stuffed Toy

Host: What was the very first gift that you gave to your girlfriend?

Contestant: Hmmm...taptoy.

Host: What taptoy?

Contestant: Taptoy na teddy bird.

Chinese Gold

Host: What is your favorite motto?

Contestant (After a long pause): Don’t have a motto, eh. (The crowd helps her out, "Time is gold! Time is gold!")

Contestant: I have na po. Chinese gold!

Drunk Husband

Lasing (takot): may multo sa banyo natin!

Wife: Ha? Bakit?

Lasing: kasi bumubukas yung ilaw pag papasok ako ng banyo eh.

Wife: punyeta ka! ikaw pala umiihi sa ref!

Insecticide

Mando: Doc, help me unimon ako ng Baygon.

Doc: Bakit, magsusuicide ka?

Mand0: Hindi. Nakalunok ako ng buhay na ipis.

Doc: Tange! Dapat kumain ka ng lang ng tsinelas.

The Best Of TADO & Strange Brew

Strangebrew's funnyman Arvin Jimenez also known as Tado goes around the city and does his funny,wacky and interesting interviews.Watch the clips called DocumenTADO and your favorite episodes of Strangrebrew. Enjoy!

New Bilibid Prison


Be An Activist



Strangebrew










Episode 2









Alien









Episode 3









Episode 4







Who's My Daddy?

Anak: Inay, sino ba talaga ang tatay ko?

Nanay: Ewan ko anak, pasensiya ka na, nang ginawa kita eh nakatalikod ako eh.

Pinoy Classic TV Commercials

Naaalala nyo pa ba ang mga TV Commercials na ito? Tulad ng Dragon Katol, McDo with Karen,Family Rubbing Alchol,Zonrox Bleach,TJ hotdogs at madami pang iba...Magbalik tanaw tayo sa mga TV Ads ng nakalipas na panahon na nagpasaya satin.


Dragon Katol


Family Toothpaste


Zonrox Bleach


McDonald's


Palmolive


Jonel's Brief


Purefoods Tender Juicy Hotdog


Kaypee Shoes


Sierratone Bed


Trosyd Anti-fungal

Pantene Ad Spoof

Funny Pantene TV Ad spoofs:



Hotdog

question: paano mo malalaman kung ang nagluto ng hotdog ay bakla?

answer: lasang tae yun hot dog.

Sleeping Pills

Nurse: Miss, gising na!

Patient: Ah, bakit?

Nurse: Oras na ng pag-inom ng gamot.

Patient: Anong gamot?

Nurse: Sleeping pills.

Priest

Sa prusisyon.

Pari: Ang mga boys, sunod sa karo ni San Jose, mga girls, sa karo ni
Mama Mary.

Bakla: Kami father, saan kami susunod?

Pari: Mga bruha! Follow me


A priest at a church.

Lady: Father, ang gwapo at cute mo naman! Bakit ka pa kasi nagpari?

Priest: Dahil ayaw pumayag ng magulang ko na magmadre ako! Bruha!

Erap At Starbucks

Erap at Starbucks.

Erap: Waiter, isang kape nga!

Waiter: Sir, decaf ho ba?

Erap: Syempre! Bobo! Lahat ng kape, de cup!

Bakit, may nakaplato ba?!

Manny Pacquiao Ice Cream Endorsement

Ice cream ba talaga yung inendorse ni
Pacquiao sa TV ad nya na Nestle Ice Cream?

Akala ko kasi, softdrinks.
Kasi, sabi nya, “Oh mga bata, Mirinda na!”

Lizard

A lizard fell on a table.

Genius: Oh! reptila scincidae;

Kikay: Eew, lizard!;

Astig: Shit, butiki!;

Mataray: Shucks, butiks!;

Mayaman: Yuck! Lacoste!;

Mahirap: Pare, ulam!

Tattoo

Baldo : Pare lagyan mo nga ako ng tatoo..

Jun : Bakit pare??

Baldo : Pare madalas kasi akong mapagkamalan na bading eh..

Jun : Ganon ba? sige saang parte ng katawan mo kita lalagyan ng tatoo?

Baldo : sa kilay na lang!! para mataray!!! dabah??!!

Library

Guro: What is 34 books + 25 books?
Pilo: 59 books po.
Guro: Good. Ang 18 + 29 + 30 books?
Pilo: 77 books.
Guro: Very good. Now, what is 950 + 136 + 672 + 490 + 854 books?
Pilo: Ma’am, library po

Bank Robbers

Dalawang holdaper sa bangko….
Holdaper #1: Yehey! Mayaman na tayo!
Holdaper #2: Bilangin mo na!
Holdaper: Gago! Alam mo namang mahina ako sa math. Abangan na lang natin sa balita kung magkano

Job Interview

Job interview….
Boss: Ano ang alam mo?
Rommel: Alam ko po kung saan kayo nakatira ng misis mo, at kung saan nakatira ang kabit mo.
Boss: Tanggap ka na!

Zorro

Mister: Kung gagawa ako ng pelikula, gusto ko, ako si ZORRO!
Misis: Eh ako, sino?
Mister: Si DACOS!
Misis: Dacos? Sino ‘yun!
Mister: DA COS of all my ZORROs!

Toy Car

Tatay: naku… bakla ata tong anak ko… tsk tsk…

nanay: pano mo naman nasabi?!

tatay: basta… mukang lalambot lambot eh.

lumapit ang anak

anak: tay, bilihan mo naman ako ng kotse kotsehan

natuwa si tatay

tatay: aba, sige! honey, mukang mahilig sa kotse to paglaki, hindi to magiging bakla. teka anak aanhin mo naman ang kotse kotsehan?

anak: tay, sasakay ko si Barbie.

Lip Sync Superstar

Lumilip sync na bading to the tune of TO LOVE YOU MORE by Sarah Geronimo.

Boom Tarat Tarat Vs. Itaktak Mo



The Best Of Sexballs





Anghang Music Video

Bibbo Hotdog Commercial

Jonel's Brief Commercial

American Idol Renaldo Lapuz

American Idol contestant Fil-Am Renaldo Lapuz, The pimp daddy of American Idol Season 7 hits the big night as he performs his famous song "Brothers Forever" at the finale of American Idol Season 7. Watch him during his preliminary auditions. His song sounds like a powerful psychotic mantra! Very funny!!

I am your brother, your best friend forever I am your brother, your best friend forever I am your brother, your best friend forever...

At the American Idol Finale with the USC Marching Band

Saving Manny Pacquiao

A funny spoof of the "Saving Private Ryan" movie poster featuring boxing champ Manny Pacquiao in "Saving Sargeant Pacquiao" with coach Freddie Roach, Buboy Fernandez, Shelly Finkel, and Justin Fortune.

This movie premieres at WildCard Gym Theater haha!

Pinoy Funny Videos Collection 1

This is a collection of funny videos made by Pinoys on youtube. Whether it's scripted or not, gotta love Pinoy's talent!

NESTEA VJ SEARCH


BAYOT DI AY


MOYMOY PALABOY - LOW (Flo Rida ft. T-Pain)


The Ultimate Dance Showdown


300 SPOOF


TROY SPOOF

Jo Koy Fil-Am Standup Comedian


He's one of the newest and wackiest Fil-Am standup comedian around. Jo Koy ,With his catchy phrase, “I Love Orange Chicken,” Jo Koy continues to embark on a comedy career that transcends his goals.

Recently named as one of the “10 comics to watch” of 2007 by Daily Variety, comedian Jo Koy continues to raise his fame and stature in the comedy and entertainment world. His dynamic energy on stage yet charismatic and approachable persona off it has fans hailing him as “a comic for the people.” While on stage, he mixes a lively physical presence with full energy, sharp observational humor, and inspirational-family-based laughs. His unique energetic stand up comedy performance is a big hit with fans of all ages and racial backgrounds. In 2005, Jo Koy received his highest honor after his performance on Jay Leno’s Tonight Show. That night, Koy became one of only a select few ever to receive a standing ovation in the history of the show. In 2006, Koy was part of Carlos Mencia’s “Punisher Tour” performing stand-up comedy in front of fans filling 10,000-seat arenas across the country. He also has performed on the Jimmy Kimmel Live show, and Last Call with Carson Daly.

Hello Garci Scandal

kung nag GAY LANGUAGE sana sila GMA at GARCI eh di walang SCAM!

GMA: hallow gracia!

GARCI: uy mother ever! Na chenilyn de kimberlyn ko na
po yung mga chuva ek ek.

GMA: bonggacious! Eh yung mga chenes chenes, carry na
ba?

GARCI: flatshoes! Winnie santos mama, wiz na wori
eclavou na ever! Na chorva na!

GMA: ang tarushki! Maldita ka talaga vruha ka! Eh di
windra na naman watashi?!

GARCI: anufi ate.

GMA: oshah ba.

Pen Pen de Sarapen (gay lyrics)

Pen Pen De Sarapen (gay version)

pen pen de chorvaloo de kemerloo de eklavoo,
hao hao de chenelyn de big yuten.
Sifit dapat iipit, goldness filak chumuchorva sa tabi ng chenes!
Shoyang ang fula, talong na fula, shoyang ang fute, talong na mafute,
chuk chak chenes namo ek ek.-

yan na naman ang mga batang bading! Ayaw paawat!

Gay True or False

1. Trulalu.
2. eklavu
3. eklavu.
4. trulalu
5. eklavu
6. trulalu
7. trulalu.
8. eklavu
9. trulalu
10. trulalu

batang bading nagsasagot ng true or false na quiz...

Manny Pacquiao Speech

"I ikspik that it will be a long payt, a good payt,
But you know, I didn't ikspik.
Tinks por da God, you know, and tinks
por ol da pelepeno pipo!"

- Manny Pacquiao.

Batman or Barbie?

DAD: (may hawak na 2 toys pinapapapili ang anak na lalake) si Barbie o si Batman?

SON: Batman po

DAD: Magaling! (sabay alis)

SON: Gwapo mo talaga Batman muaah!...

Payless Instant Noodles

ATE: pabili ng pilis.

TINDERA: ano po?

ATE: pilis po!

TINDERA: ha? Dilis?

ATE: pilis po.

TINDERA: ano? Philip?

ATE: pilis nga! Yung nudols.

Gay Quiz Bee

in a miss gay pageant..

HOST: how can we uplift our economy today even though we are under economic crisis?

BAKLA: (namutla) mga bakla! Akala ko ba miss gay ito? Quizbee pala!

Lucky Me

Ano English ng "baka maswerte ako?
Beef Lucky Me!

Ano ang "maswerte ako Inay?"
Lucky Me Mami!

Ano ang "maswerte akong lalake?"
Lucky Me with Egg!

Idol Schwarzenegger

SINO IDOL MO?

Juan: pare sinong idol mo?

Pedro: si ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Juan: cge nga, spell SCHWARZENEGGER

Pedro: hinde, joke lang pare, si JET LI talaga idol ko!

Philippine National Language

Pambansang Wika

May bago na atang national language ang Pilipinas. Mahirap na ngang basahin ang TXT tapos pag kakausapin ka pa, kala mo ini-intsik ka. Dati-dati "Taralets, Bagets at Lets go sago lang eh solve na . Ngayon, naku ewan!

Papa - daddy ko? Nde syota nya ... gwapings!
Mama - syota ni papa
Itich - makati? Ang alin? ITO!
Anik - ano? Mismo!
Deadma sa Barangay - as in care nya sa world!
Imberna - imbyerna
Gerlash - pa-girly, i.e. naka dress, makeup, etc.
Pa-gerl - bading
Tweetums - pa-cute
Lakas ng arrive - Sinong dumating? Sinong malakas?
Kaka - si kaka yung malakas? Sya rin ba yung Dumating? Hmp! Kakainis!
Chaka - pangit
Okray - lokohin
Achuchu - bless you! ay parang anik-anik din pala!
Tienes-tienes - synonym ng achuchu, anik-anik

Erap's Cabinet Members

ERAP'S CABINET MEMBERS:

Lolit Solis
- Defense (Wala ng tataray pa)

Dolphy - Labor (Sanay sa buntisan)

Rosanna Roces - Natural Resources (Alam mo na...)

German Moreno - Local Government (Sanay mag organize- Monday Group,Tuesday Group...etc..)

Ogie Alcasid - Foreign Affairs (proven!)

Inday Badiday - Information (sino pa ba... eh patay na si Babette Villaruel?)

Robin Padilla - Sports (Sanay sa rambulan)

Ben Tisoy - Agriculture (mukhang lupa)

Pitoy Moreno - Interior (Design)

Fernando Poe - Chief of Staff (syempre! may kakasa ba?)

Vic Sotto - PhilVolcs (sanay magpaputok)

Ramon Revilla - Transportation (para malipat na ang traffic sa Cavite)

Palito - Health (para huwag pamarisan)

Jimmy Santos - Education (magaling sa inglesan)

Leo Martinez - secretary of Tourism (for more pedophiles)

Nora Aunor - Secretary of Finance (broke kasi)

Gary Lising - Press Secretary

Erap Estrada (yes, sya na rin) - BIR (yan ang spelling nya ng beer)

Christy Fermin - NBI (magaling mag-imbestiga)

Cheese Curls

Anak: Tay! Pengeng pera. Bili lang akong chucherya.

Tatay: Umayos ka nga! Kakahiya ka! Baka may makarinig. Hindi chucherya tawag dun.

Anak: Ano po?

Tatay: Chizkar!

Smart Kid

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry, after a moment "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Harry: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"

Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy,oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut"

Ms. Brooks:"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,Harry was taking charge.
Harry: "Bubblegum"

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting downand a dog do on three legs?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Shake hands"

Ms. Brooks: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yep."

Ms. Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."
Harry: "Tent"

Ms. Brooks: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.The best man always has me first." The Principal was looking restlessand a bit tense.
Harry: "Wedding Ring"

Ms. Brooks: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip.When you blow me, you feel good."
Harry: "Nose"

Ms. Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Harry: "Arrow"

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' andends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief andtold the teacher,"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

Blue Job!

Sa isang Ms Gay Contest:

HOST: What is your favorite color and why?

GAY1: Red for courage.

GAY2: White for Purity.

GAY3: Blue for... ah.. uhmm..

... BLUEJOB!

Interview With An Arab

Arab interview at US immigration:
Q: ur name pls..
A: abdul aziz
Q: sex?
A: twice a wik..
Q: i mean male or female?
A: doesn't matter.... sometimes even with camel...

Bicol

Bicol

A Filipino guy from Bicol tries very hard to come to Canada. In doing so he spent all his money and sold all his valuables so after he gets out of the Canadian airport he takes the bus to go stay at his relatives' house. He thinks to himself, "Galit na galit ako parang gusto kong pumatay." So he takes a out his knife and flashes it at some white guy standing there on the bus,

The white guy then says, " Yo ! BE COOL man be cool!"

Then the Filipino guy says, "Oh Pasalamat ka, taga Bicol ka kundi pinatay na kita!!"

Sirena Son

May anak na bakla si sargento Juan. Galit na galit ang ama dahil nasisira ang reputasyon nya.

AMA: (Inilubog ang ulo sa drum ng tubig) Babae ka ba o lalake!

ANAK: (Pag-ahon) Babaeeeee!

AMA: (Galit na galit- inilubog ulit ang ulo ) Babae ka ba o lalake!

ANAK: (Pag-ahon) Babaeeeee!

AMA: (Galit na galit- inilubog ulit ang ulo ng mas matagal) Babae ka ba o lalake!

ANAK: (Nakalulon ng tubig) SIRENAAA!

2 Funny Letters (Heart Ispokening)

The following is a letter found at a certain bar in
Manila and has been preserved in its original,unedited form.
Enjoy reading and you may try direct translation in Tagalog.
Pls read with feelings…

_____________________________________

To Marjie,

I am not surprise or wander why Dennis leave you. Why? What reason you can think about but you’re very fat body. I thought before that Dennis only use me to his toy but sooner and later I’m realize that he really can’t not beared or stomached to be with you anymore because at first, Dennis say he could not stand you’re habit of making pakialam all his walks [lakad] and always calling to their house what he go home or this or that.

And then he say he get ashame to met iether in school or in his family and then asking you to exercise you’re very very, very fat body. But you hate it. Thoughth your the most preetiest girls he knows about. What do you think you are “Beautiful Girl” of Jose Marie Chan?

Even you are beautiful face (to your think) you do not have the right to called me whatsoever or else different name one time or the other for the real purposed to insults my personality because I’m never call you names ether in the front of Dennis or in the backs of Dennis, but if you start already to calling me different name, I don’t have any other choice but to call you other different name to. Like you are a PIG, FAT, OBESSED, OVERWIGHT, AND UGLY SHAPE girl. Shame to you’re body that is to a BUDING.

You can’t not blame Dennis for exchanging you to me because I am the more sexier than you when you look to us in the mirror.

I’m repeat again that you are like Ike Lozada when she is a girl.

Love,
The Sexiest Girl of D.M.

P.S. You say that I’m the bad breathe but who is Dennis want to kissed. Me or you? You or me? And the final is me. There you go.


Heart ispokening

Thursday, August 9th, 2007
We’ ve been friends for a long time ago. We come from the same alma mother. Actually, our paths crossed one time on another. But it’s only now that I gave him a second look. I realized that beauty is in the eyes. The pulpbits of my heart went fast, really fast. Cute pala siya. And then, he came over with me. He said, “I hope you don’t mine. Can I get your number?” Nag-worry ako. What if he doesn’t give it back? He explained naman na it’s so we could keep intact daw. Sabi ko, connect me if i’m wrong but are you asking me ouch? Nabigla siya. Sagot niya, The! Aba! Parang siya pa ang galit! Persona ingrata!!! Ang kapal niya! I cried buckles of tears.

Na-guilty yata siya. Sabi niya, isipin mo na lang na this is a blessing in the sky. Irregardless daw of his feelings, we’ll go ouch na rin. Now, we’re so in love. Mute and epidemic na ang past. Thanks God we swallowed our fried. Kasi, I’m 33 na and I’m running our time. After 2 weeks, he plopped the question. “Will you marriage me?” I’m in a state of shocked. Kasi mantakin mo, when it rains, it’s four! This is true good to be true. So siyempre, I said yes. Love is a many splendor.

Pero nung inaayos ko na ang aming kasal, everything swell to pieces. Nag-di-dinner kami noon nang biglang sa harap ng aming table, may babaeng humirit ng, “Well, well, well. Look do we hav e here.” What the fuss! The nerd ng babaeng yon! She said they were still on. So I told her, whatever is that, cut me some slacks! I didn’t want this to get our hand kaya I had to sip it in the bud. She accused me of steeling her boyfriend. Ats if! I don’t want to portrait the role of the other woman. Gosh, tell me to the marines! I told her, “please, mine you own business!” Who would believe her anyway?

Dahil it’s not my problem anymore but her problem anymore, tumigil na rin siya ng panggugulo. Everything is coming up daisies. I’m so happy. Even my boyfriend said liketwice. He’s so supportive. Sabi niya, “Look at is this way. She’s our of our lives.”

Kaya advise ko sa inyo - take the risk. You can never can tell. Just burn the bridge when you get there. Life is shorts. If you make a mistake, we’ll just pray for the internal and external repose of your soul. I second emotion.

Famous Quotes By Melanie Marquez

1. I coudn’t care a damn!

2. What’s your next class before this?

3. Can you repeat that for the 2nd time around once more?

4. Hello, my brother joey is out of town, would you like to wait?

5. Don’t touch me not!

6. You! you’re not a boy anymore! You’re a man anymore!

7. Hello? For a while. Please hang yourself.

8. We are lovers. Not fighters

9. Don’t judge me! I’m not a book!

10. Why should I have a calling card? I’m not a call girl!

Alimasag!

Nakaamoy si Ngongo ng pabango sa isang store.
Sabi ni Ngongo, “Ale, mango!”
Sabi naman ng saleslady, “Pabango ‘yan, hindi alimango!”
Ulit ni Ngongo, “Ale, mango!”
Nag-agawan si Ngongo at ang saleslady sa pabango. Nahulog ang pabango at nabasag.

Sabi ni Ngongo, “Ale, masag!”

Boy Bastos Story

bago pa man nabuo si boy…

Sperm 1: Pare, maghanda na tayo! Malapit na tayong lumabas!
Sperm 2: Oo nga pare. 1, 2! 1, 2!
Sperm 1: Ayan na pare lalabas na tayo! SUGOOOOOOOD!…
Sperm 2: BALIK!!! TAE! TAE! TAE!

sumunod na oras….

Sperm 1: Pare, maghanda na tayo! Malapit na uli tayong lumabas!
Sperm 2: Oo nga pare. 1, 2! 1, 2!
Sperm 1: Ayan na pare lalabas na tayo! SUGOOOOOOOD!…
Sperm 2: BALIK!!!! TONSIL! TONSIL! TONSIL!

at sa sumunod pa…

Sperm 1: Pare, maghanda na tayo! Malapit na uli tayong lumabas!
Sperm 2: Oo nga pare. 1, 2! 1, 2!
Sperm 1: Ayan na pare lalabas na tayo! SUGOOOOOOOD!
*splat!* condom…

Fine Arts Shift

ANAK: Dad may sasabihin ako… ‘wag ka sanang magalit…

TATAY: May problema ba anak?

ANAK: Magshishift nalang ako sa Fine Arts Dad, sana maintindihan mo

TATAY: Leche ka tapusin mo muna Elementary! Ambisyoso!

Fear Bruno

Bruno: Pedro! ano yang hawak mo?
Pedro: (pagalit) Listahan ng mga taong takot sa akin!
Bruno: Patingin nga!

pagkabasa…

Bruno: O?! Baket nandidito ang pangalan ko?!
Pedro: Baket?! Lalaban ka ba?
Bruno: OO!
Pedro: eh di burahin, problema ba yun?

Sexy Film Titles

“Ang Kati ng Higad Mo!”

“Bubudburan Ko ng Niyog ang Mainit Mong Pichi-Pichi!”

“Kapag Gumabi, Bumubuka ang Kabibi!”

“Huwag Mong Ibabad, Isawsaw Mo Lang!”

“Napagod ang Bunganga sa Laki ng Tilapia!”

“Pasalat ng Peklat!”

“Huwag Mo Kamayin Please, Baka Mapanis!”

“Paltos na nung Hinugot!”

Gay Lingo

Imagine if all straight guys are talking in gay lingo…

Stud: Shuket di mo chinuva yung girlalu? Malaki naman ang juging ng lola mo ah?
Hunk: Bet nga dude sa juging o dedelyas ever, melanie marquez naman sa brainwaves, wis na…

Jaworski (while coaching): Ok pudlaterz, kiver sa kalaban, just focus, wis natin afford na ma-out sa banga. O ikiws, ishoot metz yung last free throw anetz.. Ok getsungin ang gold to the highest level mga churva!

Emo Haircut

“Porket one-side ba, EMO na?! SHIT!!”

- Jose Rizal

Officemates

isang gabi, lalake umuwi, lasing na lasing…

ASAWA: Lasing ka na naman! Lagi ka nalang umuuwi ng lasing!

LALAKE: Honey naman… Di ako lasing noh! naghappy-happy lang kami ng mga officemates ko…

ASAWA: Tarantado ka anong officemates na pinagsasabi mo eh wala ka naman trabahong hayop ka!! ambisyosong lasenggo!

Top One

Boy: Nay! Muntik na ako maging top one sa klase!

Nanay: Bat mo naman nasabi?

Boy: Ini-announce kasi kanina ung top 1 sa klase. Ang tinuro ni ma’am ung katabi ko. Muntik na ako.

No Assignment

Jun-jun: Inay! Ako lang ang nakasagot sa tanong ng titser namin kanina!

Inay: Very good! Ano ba ang tanong ng titser ninyo?

Jun-jun: “Sino ang walang assignment?”


Soup For Lolo

apo: Halina kayo Lolo at humigop po kayo ng mainit na sabaw. Bagong luto po itong sopas, niluto ko po ito para sa inyo. Mainam po ito para sa inyong kalusugan Lolo, Halina habang mainit pa…

Lolo: FUCK OFF!!!!

Lolo naman..

Lolo: Apo halika nga, pwede bang buhatin mo ako?

Apo: Bakit po ‘lo? San ko po kayo dadalhin? Sa banyo po?

Lolo: Hindi..

Apo: Eh san ho?

Lolo: Ipatong mo ako sa lola mo… hehe.

Bahay Kubo (gay version)

Ready?… Sing!

Valer kuberch, kahit jutay
Ang julamantrax donchi ay anek-anek.
Nyongkamas at nutring, nyogarilyas at kipay
Nyitaw, nyotaw, jutani.
Kundol, jutola, jupot jolabastrax
At mega join-join pa, jobanox nyustasa.
Nyubuyax, nyomatis, nyowang at luyax.

The Best Policy

Bobo: Pare hulaan mo ugali ko, nagsisimula ng letter A

Pare: Approachable?

Bobo: mali

Pare: Amiable

Bobo: mali pa rin

Pare: o sige, sirit na nga

Bobo: Anest

Twins Birthday

Rodrigo: Bakit bad trip ka?

Harry: Nagtampo sa ‘kin ang utol ko.

Rodrigo: Bakit naman?

Harry: Nakalimutan ko kasi ang birthday niya.

Rodrigo: ‘Yun lang? Anong masama ru’n?

Harry: Ang masama ru’n… twins kami pare! Twins!

Dead Sea

Dodong: Magaling ang tatay ko! Alam mo, ‘yang Pacific Ocean , siya ang humukay nun!

Cocoy: Wala ‘yan sa tatay ko! Alam mo ‘yung Dead Sea ?

Dodong: Oo…

Cocoy: Siya ang pumatay nun!

Champoy

pedro: tay! yung titi ng kaklase ko parang champoy!

tatay: HAHAHA!! maliit ba anak?

pedro: hindi po..

tatay: eh ano?

pedro: maalat po..

69

GIRL: mag-69 tayo dear!

BOY: pano yun?

GIRL: ganito lang...

(pumwesto na sila at biglang nautot ang girl ng 4 times)

BOY: ayoko na!! DI KO NA KAYA YUNG NATITIRANG 65

Camel

Isang U.S. Major ang na-stationed sa isolated na Kampo sa Iraq. Kinabukasan, habang may ispection, napansin ng Major ang isang camel na nakatali sa likuran ng Barracks. Nagtanong siya sa Sergeant kung bakit may alagang camel sa Kampo.

SGT: Major, dito sa kampo, masyadong malayo ang bayan kaya't kung sinuman ang gustong makatikim ng ligaya, nandito naman ang camel.

Major: Bawal mag alaga ng hayop dito sa Kampo pero kung para sa 'morale' ng mga Troops, it's okey with me.

Makalipas ang anim na buwan, hindi na makatiis ang Major kaya't tinawag ang Sarhento.

Major: Dalhin mo dito sa tent ang camel. Walang nagawa ang Sarhento kaya't dinala ang camel sa loob ng tent. Makalipas ang 15 minutes, lumabas ang Major na nakangiti.

Major: Sergeant, ganito ba ang ginagawa ng mga Troops pag nalulungkot sila?

Sergeant: Hindi po Sir, sinasakyan nila ang camel papunta sa bayan para makahanap ng mga babae!

No ID No Entry

bakit ang sign na: NO ID ENTRY NO ENTRY na malimit natin nakikita sa mga school ay hindi tinitagalog?

Answer: Kasi pag tinagalog yan: WALA ID WALA PASOK....

Praying for 10 Pesos

Sa loob ng simbahan ng Quiapo, isang batang pulubi ang mataimtim na nanalangin sa Diyos.

Pulubi: "Panginoon kung maaari po sana ay bigyan ninyo ako ng sampung piso dahil gutom na gutom na lang po ako."

Narinig sya ng isang pulis na kasalukuyan ding nagsisimba at bumilib sya sa katatagan ng bata sa pananampalataya sa Diyos. Sa kanyang habag ay dumukot sya ng limang piso at iniabot sa bata na ang sabi: "Amang, narinig ng Diyos ang panalangin mo at heto tanggapin mo ang perang ito at ibili mo ng pagkain".

Tumingala ang bata sa pulis, kinuha nya ang limang pisong iniabot at muling yumuko para manalangin: "Panginoon, salamat po sa pagdinig ninyo sa aking panalangin, pero sana naman po sa uli-uli wag na ninyong pararaanin pa sa pulis, kasi malaki na ang bawas".

Beer and Make-up

Misis: Hoy, Tumigil ka na sa pag inom ng Beer, masyado kang magastos.

Mister: Ikaw, make-up mo ang magastos!

Mrs: Nagpapaganda ako para sa iyo.

Mister: Ako umiinom naman para gumanda ka!

Losing Weight

Pedro: Pare, sobrang taba talaga ng Misis ko kaya't gusto niyang magbawas ng timbang!

Pablo: Sabihin mo sa Misis na mag Horseback riding siya.

Makaraan ang dalawang buwan....

Pedro: Kumusta naman ang resulta ng Horseback Riding !

Pablo: Nabawasan ng 40 Kilos ang kabayo!!

Mahjong Flower

Sakristan: Father, may libangan din ba ang mga Pari?

Pari: Oo, naman, pag dating ng hapon, kaming mga pari dito sa bayan ay naglalaro ng Mahjong.

Sakristan: Bakit po naman Mahjong pa ang napili niyong laro?

Pari: Kasi, dito lang kami nakakasalat ng flower, Iho!

Ifugao Soldier

Ifugao: Sir, mag-aaply po ako bilang sundalo

Sir: hindi ka pwede, ang dami mong sira na ngipin at bungi ka pa!!!

Ifugao: bakit po ba ang labanan ngayon kagatan na ba?

Jeepney Fare

Sa Isang Jeep...

Pasahero: Mama, Magkano Po Yung Pasahe?

Driver: 7.50 Yung Minimum

Pasahero: (Dumukot Ito Sa Bulsa Para Kunin Yung Pera Niya, Ngunit sa Di Sinasadyang Dahilan Kulang Yung Pamasahe Niya.) Patay, Kulang Yung Pera Ko. Paano Kaya Ito? (Nag Isip Ito At Lumingon Sa Driver. Napansin Niya Na Duling Ito. Sabi Niya Sa Kanyang Sarili, Tama Duling Yung Driver Sigurado Pag Nagbigay Ako Ng 3.75 di Niya Mapapansin Na Kulang Yung Pera Ko. Kasi Doble Yung Paningin Nito. Inabot Niya Sa Driver Yung Pera.

Ngunit Laking Gulat Niya Nung May Sinabi Yung Driver Sa Kanya.

Driver: Kulang Ito!

Pasahero: Anong Kulang? Di Ba Sabi Mo 7.50 Yung Minimum?

Driver: Oo Nga 7.50 eh Dalawa Kaya Kayo.

Patay! Akala Mo Lusot Kana ha?

Manny Pacquiao's Vocabulary

INRITS YUR BOCABOLARY
by Manny Pacquiao

TACTICS - tunog ng orasan
PAYT - laban para sa mga pinoy
TAYTOL - pamagat ng laban
JENGKEH - name ng dyowa nya
NO PEER - sponsor nya’
MOTOR KID - pag ikot nya sa manila
CHECK IN - manok sa McDo
CORRUPT - pagsara ng mata
MURA LESS - nakalaban nya
WIT - timbang
WAWAWE - noon time show
DUET - gawin mo
L.A. - Leto Atsensya
QUOTES - tawag nya kay Freddie Roach

Lolo's US Visa Application

THIS IS A GOOD ONE AND I AM SURE YOU'LL LOVE IT.

A 70 year old 'lolo' from the province was accompanied by his grandson
to the US Embassy in Manila for his VISA interview. The lolo spoke not
a word of English so the grandson translated for him.

The consul told the young man to ask his grandfather why he wanted to
go to the States. "Bakit daw ho ninyo gustong pumunta sa Amerika?" the
grandson translated. "Sabihin mo gusto kong makita yung mga anak ko
doon." "He said he wants to see his children there." Fair enough,
that's what the lolo's application indicated.

The consul had another question. "Ask him, why does he have to go
there? Why can't his children just come and visit him here?" The
grandson translated this in Tagalog. Lolo replied: Sabihin mo kasi dito
pinanganak yung mga anak ko. Nakita na nila ang Pilipinas. Gusto ko namang makita ang Amerika bago ako mamatay." Translation: "Tell him, my children were born here. They have seen the Philippines already. I just want to see America before I die."

The heartless consul was unimpressed as he declared, devoid of any
emotion, that he was rejecting the visa application because the applicant
was unable to speak a word of English. "Reject daw yung visa ninyo
kasi hindi daw kayo marunong mag-Ingles." The lolo was equally unimpressed. "Sabihin mo ito sa kanya at huwag mong papalitan ang sasabihin ko. Putang ina niya, bakit siya nandidito eh hindi naman siya marunong mag-Tagalog." Translated: "He said: you son of a bitch, how come you are here... you do not know how to speak in Tagalog."

Taken aback, sense of humor still intact, the consul relented and
approved lolo's visa application pronto.

Nothing Beats The Philippines

Sa paastigan, walang tatalo sa Pilipinas!!

Sa Malaysia:
















Sa China:























Sa Germany:


















Sa Indonesia:


















Sa Italy:
















Sa Korea:


















AT NGAYON...
Sa Pilipinas:
















O ANO MAY LALABAN PA BA?